match-stick

bumper stickers from facebook.

2008-08-08T16:54:00.006+08:00

And its the heart of my dillema.

Ones that taught me a thing or two.

The one that made me go haha!

ones that i try to be..

the erhh...may be true statements...

The one that I know..

walking in the rain

2008-08-07T23:36:00.009+08:00

again, i should be project-ing. but i think writing here is more meaningful.

I just came back. the time now is 23:36.
the story is quite long.

see at around 2215, i tried to get into the internet but mozilla failed me. I wondered why. And then i got a call from my friend saying that starhub is down! I was like huH! how to do project!I believe those in TP HTM year 2 are all panicking because we have to do our projects. BESE is due tmr. Especially those who, like me, did our project in a form of a blog. <- go on, click it to see. So I told my mum. Mummy, I'm going to MacDonalds to try to access wireless@SG, the most trusty network.
So I packed my stuff and left with mum because she said its late and wants to accompany me.
Halfway down my lane i realize I didnt bring my public speaking txtbk which i will need to use to do my public speaking quiz since I have a gut feeling tmr is the dateline. And then, as i picked up my phone to call my friend to ask if its tmr to make sure if i need to walk back to get my book, it rained. Nvm about that. So I called my friend and he actually told me that his internet is working even though his is also Starhub. So I headed home and opened up my laptop again to find that my internet is still not working. I just grabbed my book and me and mummy we headed out again.
This time, it was pouring and along the way I told mum about my day. Then when i finally reached Mac's the people there had sealed all the plugs! WTH! and my com battery is renown for its 10mins lifespan. So i know I was doomed. In the end, i called Dad to check the net again and this time, its working. Like, really working. So we came back home. and that is about 2330.

bummer.

I remembered you used to always "scold" me for walking in the rain...
rain.
and rainy days were our favourite days.
well. just some memories.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edit:

this is TS. for those who dont know who he is. He is a guy who played an important part in 3 years of my life. And I'd say among everyone. He knows me the best. Seen it all, my tempers, my good times and my bad.

So this guy is telling me I'm not me.
which, for some reason, i know is true.

Quotes

2008-08-07T14:14:00.005+08:00

saw some quotes on facebook and i love it.

After a while you learn the differences between holding-a-hand and falling in love.
you begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something...
promises can be bro/ken as quickly as they are made
& sometimes goodbyes really are forever.

Someday, everything will make perfect sense,
So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears,
and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

Disclaimer: though the image shows 2 girls holding hands. I'm not a homo!

in my heart.

2008-08-07T00:07:00.005+08:00

There are somethings in my heart.
Somethings that I'm dying to tell.
But I know I can never say because no one will accept it.

Often I will rest my head on the table.
Often I will lie on my tummy hugging my pillows.
Often I will think.

This year is rushed. From the beginning till now, its all rushed.
I rush through my decisions, I rush through my actions.
It seems to me, nothing I did went through my mind.
And I cant even ponder on the previous before the next one begins.
This year is not a me year because I'm doing things only because people tell me to.
They are my decision makers. And I dont have the strength to bother.

Little goals

2008-08-05T21:42:00.003+08:00

I realise that I dont have a major goal right now. Well, the biggest one would still be to push up my GPA. Its currently sitting at 2.8 now. Previous sem was 2.4. I'm happy with the increase as it is. I'm pushing it to 3 this Sem. Then by the end of year 2, 3.2. Then I think I could be sure I'm guaranteed a place in any university. Maybe even scholarship.
But everyday, I dont look towards this big goal. I realise I just do everything with my best. Thats why I get the results I have. I remember my primary school principal telling me as she watch me draw when I was in class, " You are a perfectionist, aren't you?" then she walks away. At that age I do not know what being a perfectionist means. Now I understand. Its doing your best. And its sometimes a tiring person to be.

See, I shouldnt be blogging now. I should be bloggin on my project blog that is going to be handed up and graded. Not here. But I think blogging here holds a little more meaning so I'll leave my project for after. I've 3 impt assignments to do by thursday. Should be easy if I keep with my plan.

Also, today is the first day my hair had less than 10 that fell off my head as i shampoo-ed. I bought a new treatment lotion and shampoo again. This time I'm sticking to my old and trusty brand. Sunsilk. Hope it works.

I seriously cant wait to get to go to Sentosa for my new semester. Sun, Sand, Sea. Ahh! I wont mind the assignments. I'm going to make friends with the people working at the beachside bar. I'm going to spend all my time there. Since its one of m favourite places to go. I dont know why I'm so eager though. New environment, new friends, new memories! (:

Look at the eastern most part of the purple area. Thats TAS. Its in the middle of Siloso and Palawan Beach! I can choose!

right now right now... i want to go sentosa right now!

2008-08-04T21:18:00.000+08:00

I found this song!

More We Get Together - Trish Thuy Trang

Life is flying by, the days and weeks.
Where did the time go by? The months and years.
So let's stop wasting time. Let's laugh and cheer.
'Cause life is way too short, have fun and live.

The sun is shining in the sky the stars are shining bright.
The moon is full and flying high, and I'll see you tonight.

[Chorus]
The more we get together, together, together.
The more we get together, the happier we'll be.
'Cause your friends are my friends, and my friends are your friends.
The more we get together, the happier we'll be.

Our witty little chats and rfriend's soirees,
I'm having such a blast, wish time could wait.
'Cause nothing ever last unless you can take
The time to look around, appreciate.

And I will see you soon, 'cause I just wanna be with you.
And I will see you soon, 'cause I just wanna be with you.

my body.

2008-08-04T19:03:00.005+08:00

I started out well.
With every word that was sang in my mp3, I quickened my step.
As I ran, I felt my lungs run out of air. I know my breathing was wrong.
I opened my mouth just a little to let the air come out.
That was much better. Then I picked up my pace.
With every step I felt the thumping in my chest grow harder.
Then, my stomach started to churn. I though it was because I was running on uneven road.
I was wrong. As I approached the church that I go to every sunday, my stomach warned me.
I thought, its just a few more blocks away.
So I continued, sprinting all the way till I reached my lane.
Then I slowed to a walk. Now, i feel it even stronger. The thumping of my heart and my stomach.
I pushed open my gate and sat at the porch table. My sweat dripped from my forehead and formed a little puddle on the rough ground.
With my head between my knees, I thought of how I dont feel comfortable in my own shell nowadays.
I thought of the stools with the blood. The rapid lost of weight. The unhealthy hair.
My granddad died of cancer. My uncle has kidney failure. My dad has gout. Is it my turn for my generation?
I came to this realization.
There is something wrong with my body.

wondering

2008-08-03T19:33:00.005+08:00

I always wonder.

Today, Shu En asked me a question. I cant tell you what or it would have been too obvious.
But its the same question I've been thinking for sometime.
My answer to her was: i think, not as much as before.
But now to think of it. I do not know. Maybe its still the same.
Just that I know there is nothing much I could do about it. Right Shu? (:
Its resignation.

Sometimes, my heart will do a double take. Sometimes it will suddenly fail to come to terms with facts of the past. And at that time, like now, I will feel, there are things we should have been able to do together, ways that we should have been able to walk together, times that we should have been able to spend together. Sometimes, I just fail to come to terms with that. But its only sometimes. I wonder why, its a sometimes.

Have you ever wondered, did a person dress up for you just like you dress up for them?
Have you ever wondered, did someone say something too loudly just so you could hear?
Have you ever wondered, someone wonders about you just as you wonder about them?
I wondered.
And sometimes I wonder will there be a day that would answer my wonders.

edit: but so what after i have the answers?

hair problems.

2008-07-31T22:28:00.003+08:00

Ok, so my biggest fear has finally came true. My hair... is thinning! I do not know why. Sobs. People use to envy my mane. Now I look at other people's locks and i cringe! Because my hair is coming off, bit by bit, everytime i wash my head. ):
Its all because of those gels that i pile on my top for SSM. ughh! How... I went to the haircut aunty that day and told her my problem, she say: "Aiyo, then you cannot have long hair know. Cause already so thin. And it will keep breaking!" Sigh. So today, with a sense of urgency and importance, I went down to the store to get myself Keratase's shampoo. Its suppose to strengthen and protect weak hair. And I also bought Paul Mitchelle's conditioner. Its suppose to add volume to my hair. So, using the 2 things together, lets hope my mane comes out beautiful.

Below is a photo of my head now. Makes me sad. see the botak patch?! sigh.

Today, my mum brought me, esther and ah ma to Marriott Hotel for lunch. So we want to the chinese restaurant there called wan hao chinese restaurant. The ambience is good. Service and food so so only. And dont think that I just complain at my blog and never tell them and give them a chance ok. I wrote in the feedback form of my opinions. So, photos.

The word on the wall.

Cha Siew Su, my favourite, and har gao.

Seafood roll. There's a buttery taste inside. Delicious.

Xiao Long Bao. Another of my favourite. ooooohh. I must say its the food that I need takes a lot of skill to eat. See, you cant burst the skin before you put it in ur mouth or the juice inside will come out. And thats the best part of the bao. Too bad today's juice aint as nice as those from Crystal Jade.

The dessert. mango Pudding. Its nice. Nicer than those from the Revolving Restaurant @ Prma Towers.

There are actually more food. But i was hungry so i just gobbled them up when they came. So, no photos.

Other than that, today, BESE test.
SCREW.

whatever.

2008-07-30T20:56:00.004+08:00

little thoughts, little things

sometimes, even little things reminds us of the past. For me, it wasnt easy because almost everywhere there are shadows and traces of my footsteps with an extra pair of shoes beside. sometimes i wonder will i ever forget those memories, though they dont cause that much heartaches anymore. They are still etched in my mind. Although when it does hurt i wish I could forget them, but I know God left them there for a reason. In Christ there is no punishment for the wrongs that we've done. But we live with the memories of the sins that we did, thats the consequences of the sins. One, so that we know that we are never perfect until Christ makes us so. Two, to let us know we should not do it again. Three, to remind us that thats the only consequence we have. A light one. And because God loves us so, He gave us one important task. To remember what we did - as lessons - not as regrets, so that He doesnt have to remember them at all.

17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:17-19

my weight!

2008-07-30T20:46:00.007+08:00

Ok, i do not know why. But for some reason, I'm loosing weight at an increasing acceleration. I didnt do it delibrately. I swear. Ask my friends and they will tell you I go for frappes with whipped cream, I go for Sugarloaf all the time ( the Fritata on tuesday was Oooohhh!) And I eat junk. Nuggests, sweets, chocolates. And I even go for afternoon tea now, milo with biscuits. Cause my meals cant keep me full for long.
So why is it my weight keeps decreasing? From 58kg earlier on this year to 54 around early july to 51.8kg now, end of july. It gets me abit worried. Is it a health problem?

But then, to my brother james chia.. hmmm. encouragement or not?!
jiayou huh. Its like 30th July.
You have ONE.MORE.DAY.
I've already much less accomplished my goal of reaching 50kg by end july.
Although goal not possible to reach. I'm slightly more successful la huh?

ok. and remember about my last post?
I was very bothered because I realise my studies is going down. All of them half buckets of water. None that I am confident of. All cause i lack organization and management.
So here's what i did.

a slight effort in organising. using post-its. hope it all works out fine.

It was really a wake up call yesterday.

2008-07-29T22:49:00.004+08:00

Daze.

Yes, my life is in a daze. And occasionally, i will wake up from that daze, and find that my life is actually in a big big mess. My studies are not really going well. This is so not the cynthia that entered poly with everything in control. I lost my control over parts of my life. How could this be. I need to gain back control. Stop dazing, staring into space, living in my own dream. The image that I paint for myself. They are all so beautiful. Beautiful to the point that I'm engulfed into it. But they are all just a dream. That vanishes one day...

Look at the little girl, her mind is caught up in her own imagination. The mind of a kid is the most imaginative. I think that part of minds didnt really leave me. My mind still paints colourful pictures. But the good thing for her is, she doesnt have to wake up from her dreams till much older.

And I realise, when you daze, you are actually letting emotions lead your thinking...
oh, dreads.

Pass the days..

2008-07-29T17:31:00.004+08:00

So I haven been updating you guys on my pass few days.

Saturday.
Was a long looonnggg day. I almost couldn't take it. See, friday was a long day as well and when I went home after church, I thought I would be able to sleep right after i hit the sack. But I lay awake till 3, almost 4 in the morning. It was hard to describe, the feelings within. It was a fear, defnitely, and fear is not from the Lord. Yet i lay awake, my eyes droopy. I wanted to sleep desperately. But I dare not close my eyes. I finally slept at around 3.30++ and woke up early in the morning at 7am for my school field trip. ARG! The field trip was fun and informative and gave me alot more insights on Singapore. The bad thing is, i know and learned so much because I failed to fall asleep on the bus. Sleep eludes me like no one's business. Gosh!!! And there was Bizhi, beside me, with my shoulders as her pillow sleeping blissfully. We went to places like Fort Canning park. I shall talk about how it impacted me later but the main point is, that place is full of surprises. I wont mind walking from City Hall, to there finally to Clarke Quay one day. Anyone up for it?

After the field trip, it was slightly better. We went to Vivo city to have lunch with our favourite and also our CarePerson, Mr Pras! He's like the last few good man around. The rest are either married, gay, or dead. Mr Pras is neither married, nor gay, and he is very much alive! The girls were discussing among ourselves we wont mind having a husband with the qualities of Mr Pras. LOL. 3 cheers to our favourite lecturer. We ate at Serenity restaurant and Bistro. oolala! the food is fantabulous. Mine had a piece of wire inside though. And they gave me a new plate. Food was good, service...ahem... not so good. Sorry to say. We ate set meals which amounts to 17.90++. However, we only paid like 10 dollars. Because our nice lecturer paid the rest! AHH! imagine 20 over students. Thank you Mr Pras.
Then as we left the Bistro, there was this little pool la. And guess who suggested we throw Zat into the pool. Mr Pras again! LOL! and my classmates really pushed her in! Haha. The one who suggested it laughed the loudest. In the end, he had to work for laughing. Carry bag for Zat.

Serenity restaurant and Bistro

Zat!

Mr Pras with Zat's bag.

After that was youth and all. Nothing much there. So that was saturday.

Sunday.
Church, then I had lunch with the engs, huiyun and laura.
Haha. We had a good time talking la.
After that I decided to go home. And when I reached my gates. I found out that no one was at home! No one to open the door for me! So i went by to macs to sit down for a cuppa while I wait for Hitomi to call me.
After that went to Unk KK house to chit chat and all as usual. Then I went home.

Monday.
Nothing much other then the fact that..

I BOUGHT A TOP.

AGAIN.
ok. control. control.
revamp wardrobe also must control.

thats about the days lor.

Today.
SSM, outdoor sales. My head almost burst. The weather was so hot and we were wearing our long sleeves, our tie and our black long pants, walking around school to sell off the food. omgoodness. I really wished it would be my favourite weather. Rain! Though occasional Sun is ok. And for the first time in my entire life handling money either as a cashier or doing outdoor sales, I had shortage! Like, whats wrong! And even if its the soft drink problem, we only sold a total of 4 soft drinks, which amounts to $2? There was $6 shortage! First and last time, in history.
Thats about it.

Till now.. my temples are still throbbing.
I am very sleepy.

grr.

2008-07-28T22:20:00.002+08:00

Today my temper is rather short.
I'm past my bed time. And I still have stuff to do.
Dread.
Worst of all.
Tmr is SSM day.

I find my bank account dwindling.
All because I'm revamping my wardrobe.
I bought a top today for SGD14.
And a dress for SGD25 that day.
I wonder what's gotten into me.
Above $20 used to be expensive and not value for money.

I re-did mybrownpaperbag.
And we have more clothes coming up.

Today had lunch at TopTable with LRC.
Late for my test. D. whatever. i finished it in 30mins anyway.

and in my mind.

you?

Tabloid!

2008-07-28T19:32:00.003+08:00

Ok...
i found some really interesting sites on a hot topic character.
None other than Dawn Yang. Rival of Xiaxue.
Though there is of course one that I think is slightly more civilised then the other,
i am not taking sides.

But here's some interesting sites on Dawn.
Her photos
Her hater's blog

So, its for some entertainment la.
Ok,, because my site is like, copy safe.
So... aim your mouse below
here.

Roads.

2008-07-26T22:58:00.008+08:00

At this point in life,
I look down the road, I don't see where I'm heading.
Around me, the wind blows and the sands kick up.
Air rushes pass my ears and sands blind my eyes.
The devil is here, I know.
He tries to deafen me with the roaring wind.
He tries to confuse my eyes with the shifting sand.
But I'm in the safety of my car.
And God is my co-driver. Though the car is abit creaky.
And sometimes come to uncomprehendable halts,
and everything seems senseless and dull.
When things around seem hopeless and barren.
I know i just have to turn, and see God there beside me.
He says, " Go on, there is nothing here. Why think about stopping here. Step on the accelerator! Lets get out of here."
As I face the coming miles, it all seems so long.
But all I need to do, is to remember to turn my head occasionally.
To see who is there for me. And I know, I'd get to where I'm suppose to be.
"At least," I say " Its a one way street."

God has not promised skies always blue,
flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God has promised strength for the day,
rest for the labour, light for the way,
grace for the trials, help from above,
unfailing sympathy, undying love.

dear brother,
dont go too far out.
to see you wander.
it breaks God's heart.
and it breaks mine.
but the One says, He loves you, just like he always do.
so, take heart!

God's smiling down on me.

2008-07-25T00:29:00.002+08:00

Today was a.. well, i'd say rather fulfilling day.
early in the morning I headed to school to attend Mr Nair's class. He is one of my favourite lecturers. Though i always scoff in class when he claims that he is the most populr lecturer, yes, Mr Nair, you are no doubt a popular lecturer. (Though I'm always late for your class, doesnt mean I dont like to attend your lesson!) Haha.

After that me, danai, darren, jiajuin and bizhi went down to TM to eat and get Shihui's new phone. Bizhi left after she got her "spastic smile" photo taken.(she said so herself! Haha.) So we ate at Phin's, which wasn't wonderful, but nevertheless kept me full uptill now. So danai got her phone today! I'm getting mine soon, so today when she went i went to take a look as well. The one that I like is w890i! But danai's phone, the new Csthsth one, with 5 mega pixel cam, is appealing as well. I still have some time to decide. Also, the SE game phone is also attractive. hmmm. So while i was waiting for her, I went over to Sans bookshop to look around. I really have lots of books that I want. I want the entire shop!! Someone, anyone, if you are thinking of blessing me for no reason, get me a novel please? (:

When we went back to school at around 2 i met up with Stefanus to drink some teh over at the prata stall opp school. Ok, let me introduce you to Stefanus. This Public Speaking classmate of mine used to be in my French class last semester too. And he is also my chauffer every thursday after PS class! He has soccer training at Hougang Stadium so naturally I get a lift back to Hougang. So thank you stef! But, no, i wont let you off for disturbing me oh-so-often! I've heard you sing, know you drink and watch you do all the silly things, so watch out! I have the ultimate weapon to spoil your image. Ok, so after the teh we went back to school to biz park so i could finish my work while he slacked. then we headed for public speaking class.

After public speaking I rushed down to Century SQ to catch a movie with huiyun and Laura! The Dark Knight. Its a good show! The suspense is there, the action is there, the hunks is there, but not a show i would go for a 2nd time.

Then, as i headed home by myself.. the rain started pouring... the clouds started dripping. And as i watched the rain at the bus stop, I felt this sense of peace that God placed in me. I felt Him, smiling down at me. And in my heart, i smiled back. I say " Lord, thank you for smiling down at me. Thank you for even being with me. "
then, while i was washing up just now. I had this thought.
No one should try to find a person to love, without first putting God as the love of his/her life. God taught me that today. And truly, i felt that He is the love of my life. (:

LRC!

2008-07-21T18:04:00.006+08:00

So yesterday was al-lene's birthday celebration. and finally! We had the whole of LRC there!
Best day so far... of.. well..... nvm.

Anyway, me and esther we met up at vivo city to get Al-lene's birthday gift. And it so happened that we walked right into NewUrbanMale. We tried to choose a slipper for that dear but we just couldnt decide what to get. So, upon the suggestion of my good ol' mate yongkwang, we got her a voucher. Though we thought it wasnt very sincere, but we still got it anyway because we are quite positive our birthday girl would appreciate it. ( Oh, and there i met this quite cute guy called douglas, he looks like a bigger version of Joshua, Don's good friend.)

So after that sylvia came along and we shopped for a little while before we headed down to serangoon to meet up with the rest. Cheryl was alreayd waiting there for some time. So me, esther, sylvia, cheryl and allene we went down to chomp chomp to meet up with susan and Don. Thanks to susan's quick eyes we managed to get seats real quick. haha!
So we sat down and ate our meal. Along the way calynn came!
Its so good spending time with these girls. We talked abt everything under the moon. And ahem... they asked something very very silly. Esp this allene and esther ah. ( Hello, please dont do this kinda things anymore OK! so embarrassing can! dont link link me with just anyone. Whatmore one that is sitting rght in front of me. @#&^(#@! )

After that we headed over to Ice3(icecube) for desserts. We ordered like lots of ice cream and such. there was fondue and all. And of course, a cake for allene. We made her do silly things since it was her birthday. Check this out!

Poor dear had so much chocolate on her face after that!
Look!

ee. mustache!haha!
everyone scarmbled to take out our camera phones to take a shot of allene with dripping chocolate!

still, she laughed soo hardd!! just look at her and the dark spot at her chin. haha!

Then look at this funny shot!
oui, its donovan feeding cheryl! rare sight.
well, its normal for him to feed the rest la. but because this time, its cheryl! lol

We all enjoyed ourselves with the food. I do have photos of the delicious meals. but well, i shant bore you all with them.

And of course we took some group photos

alright. thats abt it. as for the rest of the day. oh well.

jealous.

2008-07-19T22:58:00.003+08:00

i sometimes wonder. how could others be happy and feeling good.
while i'm kind of at the lowest point of my life.
i'm jealous of the happiness they get.

God is with me i'm sure. he will be my comfort and hope.
psalms 121:1

life's bigger picture.

2008-07-18T12:28:00.003+08:00

liberation.

the past few days wasnt easy for me.
I dont know why but thoughts and images just keeps surfacing.
But i'm really learning now. self-control. to obey God.
To not let those silly emotions take over me.
those feelings of wishing, missing...
yea, its all very silly. silly billy.
cynthia's a nincompoop. which means, foolish person.
but I'm growing to see life's bigger picture.
and that is included in what God wants me to see.
Everyday I run to the Lord, seeking His word.
Everyday for that 30mins to 1 hour when i submerge myself in the bible and other christian reads, i truly feel liberation and rest.
Out of the 16-18 hours I'm awake in a day, only one hour of rest and bliss.
Because although those thoughts and feelings aren't piercing and huge,
they are consistent. what i call, a dull dull ache.
and trust me, dull dull aches are worsts den short piercing pains.
Now i cant seem to remember when i was truly happy.
But i know I will find it one day.
Because God is in my life.
God took me out of Egypt, and is taking me on my journey through the wilderness now. the 40-years journey that Moses took the people on. towards their final destination of honouring God. I'm on that journey now. though the wilderness seem daunting and uncertain, makes me feel like turning back and saying "sorry, can we make things right again", there is no turning back. only forward, forward.
And my only peace is knowing that I'm on my way to honor God.

Its not a feeling of peace. Its a feeling of emptiness.
My life is busy, with school and church and other nonsense.
But somehow. Yea, its just an empty feeling.

The picture above, my only reminder of what joy could be.

opera.

2008-07-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

So i was going through some of my photos.
OPERA.
here is evidence for thosee who know but didnt get to see pictures.
and of course, some happy memories for me.
truely happy memories.

i do miss those times.

Lessons Learned

2008-07-15T21:05:00.001+08:00

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.

24th

2008-07-14T19:18:00.008+08:00

I was blog hopping a while ago and i read a few people's bloggs.
I came across a certain post that made me check my own posts out of paranoia.
And i came across my april 24th post.
i wrote there.
"And the time now is 12:30am on 24 April 2008. 1 month ago, on this day, I was the luckiest girl on earth."
i still do feel like the luckiest girl on earth.
even though its about 1 month after the twak.
because its not about what is gone, its about what you once had.

right?

i feel like a lucky, blessed girl. but i know.. i could have been luckierr...

i wrote in my journal of the things that i remember.
one of which was a very sweet, insignificant, but sweet memory.
a kiss on the nose.

i sometimes wonderr if it would all be possible again one day.

and after wondering all that. I know deep in me, i shouldnt wonder.. i shouldnt hope.. i shoudnt wish.. i shouldnt miss..
i should trust in the Lord. He will give me better. but its the things i dont see that torments me.
I want to know what the future brings!
But the Lord says : the future is too much for you to take.
For now, i can only pass each day, still wondering... all those silly things.. and hope one day they will all be gone...

dont try to make your priorities mine.

edit:
yeaa. now i have a thought.
since in the first place i was the one who said i wanted to make a move from him.
then why am i still the one missing?
since i was the one who didnt want to give it chance.
then why am i the one wondering?

sigh. stupid girl.

just another sunday. not just.

2008-07-13T19:48:00.003+08:00

its another sunday.
yes. its just another sunday.
but well. not quite because u feel fresh feelings.
its just another sundy. because again, you have those feelings before.
but its not just another sunday. because now you dont feel as numb to the feeling as before.

i rather be numb to feelings. really.
they make me tired. makes me loose my mood to do anything.
i feel like just going to bed now. sleep off the thunderstorm that is whirling in my head.

all these feelings pass rather quickly. but not as fast as i wish they would.
sometimes they take just 30 mins,
sometimes it lasts for hours.
its already the 398496325th time such feelings are present.
in a sense, i'm used to it. how no matter what, i truly wish they would disappear.

i look to God, everytime such feelings come, i say God, remind me to be patient, remind me of your love, remind me that you are the only one i need, remind me that you have better things in mind for me, remind me that you are in control.

patience indeed, keeping fortitude and calm in times of agony, pain, misfortunes.
patience, indeed.

i do miss those times we had.
to hear you sing, to watch you do the many things.
sometimes i do wish things could be different.
i do hope that in future things would just be the same.
but hopes, wishes and memories are of the past.
God is in the future.

edit: i just heard this song by carrie underwood. its playing now.
Lyrics are in extras. but here are some words that caught me.
Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna take it

Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Mummy, you just fed me papaya and ice cubes that you made with milo.
I know i havent been spending alot of time at home.
thats because I'm either in school or out there in church or with my church friends.
but i have something to say.
I love you mummy and daddy.
How i wish you are both christians. how close could we get.
we could all sit back in bliss and watch as God work his mighty hands in our lives.
Its my prayer everynight.

today is the day that i die.

2008-07-12T14:11:00.003+08:00

ok, thats a stupid title.
i just heard a song la. its called day that i die by good charlotte.
so yea, i decided to make it my blog title.
though today MAY NOT be the day that i die.
I do feel like i'm dying.

I just came back form training. its tiring. haven gone back for like a week or so.
So i kinda lost a bit of touch but thank goodness i made myself run and do weights every week during my free time. overall ok, i manged to pull through. but i'm tired.

and another thing. stacy today asked me, " are you smaller? you look like you lost weight." yeaa.. another one that said i lost weight. I swear i didnt try to do anything like purposely go on diet or what. I guess because my intake of carbo(rice, noodle, bread) is lesser thats why i'm like that. its called healthy diet. I'm not anorexic la. and yess, i did loose weight. about 3-4 kg. since the last time i measured which was beginning of the year.

I just realised I had lots of school work to do. And i'm up to my neck with them. But i didnt realise. I kept thinking I have only 1 more week left to do my proj and then I'm done. But noo!
i still have so muchh more. argh! i really really want my holidays. ): I dont want to be stuck in school. I cant wait for my sentosa term. I'm serious. Sea, Sun, Sand, and Handsome lifeguards. wow. I wont mind school at all.

I've been listening to lots of songs lately. Oldies and all. I like those songs. Guitar and Piano songs. Mellow songs make me calmer. I dont like songs that has all the screaming and stuff though once in a while they are nice and keeps me awake. But unlike other people, mellow songs dont make me sleep. I'm now looking for songs by Olivia, anyone has them?
Oh, and i like those jungle songs too, know, those songs that they play on animal planet and all, that kinda signifies wilderness and big vast fields. I like those music. For an example, listen to Now we are free by Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard. Its in the Gladiator Soundtrack. I also like those songs that give me feelings of the beach and ocean. Bossa Nova is good. Jazzy, Holiday mood. (:

Yesterday I went for Sean/Lala/James/ChingYee's cell. Whoever you know, relate. It was pretty good i must say. The discussion is good and all. Slightly different from our own cell. At first i do have the though of just going for a while and then coming back. Now, maybe I'd consider.

Somethings that I felt yesterday, ok, I'd admit things are easier now. And i dont think much already. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But when in sight, its another thing la. But definitely its much better.

Thank you Lord, for making me learn to be so patient and trusting in your guiding light. Lord hold on to my hand tight as I hold on to yours, do not let me stray for I have no intention of straying from you ever. Lord, you are the only one I need, the only one that could give me the love that I feel now. Though I'm in a busy period now and I sometimes feel I rather its the holidays, Lord I will do what I'm suppose and within my duty, because You are here to give me the strength that I need. And Lord, give me the courage and refresh me as I wake up each morning to a new day. Lord, guard, guide and secure my heart. Let not emotions control me but Lord, may you be in control. For your will is the way of life.
Amen.

"sir, your cork"

2008-07-09T10:33:00.002+08:00

I shall update you on what i did this past few days.
Monday!
After school i went to ikea to meet up with the rest.
Not really after school la, i kinda pontang lessons. LOL.
but i didnt regret pon-ning! Cause for the first time in my life i got to eat delicious meatballs! Yum!

And we had lots of fun shopping around in ikea.
I like shopping for things to decorate my house.
But this time its not for my house of course, i do not have one.
the most i have is a room. Its for uncle kk's place! the cosy corner!
take a look!

me and elizabeth with the trolley full of stuff! check out the carpet.

I think we were looking for someething...

there there, thats our carpet!

once again, elizabeth must have done something funny la.. haha!

the ladies adore the furry skin, the guys.. "wolf in sheep's clothing"

haha. something's wrong with kahwan. probably too hungry.

finally you see our photographerr! shuuey!
what is kahwann doingg??????

then we headed to uncle kk's house and got to work!
we cleared the old carpet and cushions, mop and swept the floor.
put in all the new stuff and tada!

its a pretty space isnt it?! thats the place where lots of ppl in my cell like to "nuah" at. (:

see, nuahing alreadyy.

yours truly. haha! loook constipated.

so after a hard day's work...

LOL!

well. then after that we went to joel seah's house for dinner and all that cause 4 of them are going into army alreadyy.
hope that they will all mature and grow in the army!
for photos there, check out facebook.

anyway, thats it for monday la.

tuesday! which is yesterday. my gosh, its my ssm test. proficiency test 2!
firstly, order taking.
for order taking the teacher will ask you questions on the dish and we have to ans!
its part of product knowledge.
so the first question mr neo asked me. I was like uhhh.. and i anyhow ans.
then he look at me and said " anyhow whack only."
den i was like oops. X)
then the subsequent questions i was able to ans him which was fantastic! (:

then, table setting.
I missed out ceramic spoons because someone outside told me ceramic spoons wasnt needed. hmpff. sabotage.
but nevermind. i got it anyway. oh well.

last but not least, wine!
my goodness that's the hilarious part.
i opened my wine perfect.
but the next part was...
cork inspection. so after uncorking i told mr neo..
cynthia:" sir, your cork."
mr neo:" hah! my cock ah?!" and he looked down.
- -" i was like NO! LOL!
he looked at me, gave me stupid face and shake his head.
i knew i've done it!
in the end, he said " ok, clear"
YESAH!

see, i was suppose to be able to go home right after my test.
But guess what! 5 people was absent for SSM today and they all had duties!
So, the headwaiter came, and picked a few to replace. and lucky me, i got picked.
so in the end i had to stay till 5.
However, thats just estimated.
How would i have known. during our operations, mr Goh and another teacher went to our locker rooms and took all our bags. I mean, those bags that are in lockers that are not locked.Gosh.
So in the end we had to queue 2 by 2 to go in, get fired for 10 mins before we could get our bag.
ahh. in the end i reached home like 7++.
and I was suppose to be able to be home even before lunch.
what a sad life.

Life's lessons.

2008-07-07T10:49:00.003+08:00

Today I wasnt really in the mood to go school. I wanted to sleep in!
But I had to pull myself out of bed at 6+ close to 7 this morning to get to school.
Lessons aren't not interesting. Its just that if we could go for lessons whenever and wherever we want to, that would be great.
But thats not reality.
Nonetheless, we still have to study.

However, God's lesson is different. He teaches, when he likes, where he likes, how he likes.
Isnt that how we students want things to be? The flexibility of having lessons.
Just that this time, we have to go according to God's flexibility.
This week I learnt alot of things. God taught me more than I ever could learn.
And this time, its the type of lessons that I would call the " ORH" lessons.
Its those lesson when we finally realize the real meaning behind God's words and we go "ORH!"
Get what I mean? I wont go into the details of what I learnt the past week. Its more suitable to be in my private journal than a blog. But the fact that God's encouragement and comfort had touched me didnt change.

Many a times we want to help people. We hope to be God's vessl in everything!
But more often than not, we do not have the necessary equipment to help God's almighty plan.
So what could we do? We leave everything, EVERYTHING, to God.

Just for reader's info, I'm now in school, we just manged to rush our project, printed it and submitted it before the 10am deadline. our next lesson is 11am which is about 5 mins from now.
I have alot of things on this week. Its going to be very tiring and all. But after this week, after this week I think I could finally get a break from all the work.
Alright, shall update another time.

2008-07-05T12:17:00.002+08:00

1IN [this] freedom Christ has made us free [and completely liberated us]; stand fast then, and do not be hampered and held ensnared and submit again to a yoke of slavery [which you have once put off].

2Notice, it is I, Paul, who tells you that if you receive circumcision, Christ will be of no profit (advantage, avail) to you [^[a]for if you distrust Him, you can gain nothing from Him].

3I once more protest and testify to every man who receives circumcision that he is under obligation and bound to practice the whole of the Law and its ordinances.

4If you seek to be justified and declared righteous and to be given a right standing with God through the Law, you are brought to nothing and so separated (severed) from Christ. You have fallen away from grace (from God's gracious favor and unmerited blessing).

5For we, [not relying on the Law but] through the [Holy] Spirit's [help], by faith anticipate and wait for the blessing and good for which our righteousness and right standing with God [our ^[b]conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action, causes us] to hope.

6For [if we are] in Christ Jesus, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith activated and energized and expressed and working through love.

7You were running the race nobly. Who has interfered in (hindered and stopped you from) your heeding and following the Truth?

8This [evil] persuasion is not from Him Who called you [Who invited you to freedom in Christ].

9A little leaven (a slight inclination to error, or a few false teachers) leavens the whole lump [it perverts the whole conception of faith or misleads the whole church].

10[For my part] I have confidence [toward you] in the Lord that you will take no contrary view of the matter but will come to think with me. But he who is unsettling you, whoever he is, will have to bear the penalty.

11But, brethren, if I still preach circumcision [as some accuse me of doing, as necessary to salvation], why am I still suffering persecution? In that case the cross has ceased to be a stumbling block and is made meaningless (done away).

12I wish those who unsettle and confuse you would [^[c]go all the way and] cut themselves off!

13For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for ^[d]selfishness], but through love you should serve one another.

14For the whole Law [concerning human relationships] is ^[e]complied with in the one precept, You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself.^(A)

15But if you bite and devour one another [in partisan strife], be careful that you [and your whole fellowship] are not consumed by one another.

Claiming and holding on to galatians 5:1-15

in a way, thank you.

2008-07-04T23:40:00.002+08:00

To think of it, though I was really really seething yesterday.
The anger did me one good thing. I no longer hold on to any feelings anymore.
In a way, yes, thank you, for helping me get pass this.

But I definitely could do with a more pleasant resort.
I think, I'm finally free.

As for the anger, i think its no more. Because I'm too tired to give a shit anymore.
Tired of dreaming of you at night, tired of thinking of you by day.
Tired of bothering how you still feel.
Yes I'm tired. Its like drawing darts on a sponge wall.
I have no goal, but having to throw and then go and pick up the darts again and again.
Without feelings, they now seem pointless.
So, yes, I think its just too bad.

God, now I look only to you.
For love, for grace, for comfort, for approval, for praises, for strength.

all thats worth.

2008-07-03T22:50:00.012+08:00

需要你xu yao ni - stef sun

another song by stef sun.
and the most important part.
又逃不开
让脑袋游在
充满你模糊的
想象里

yes thats the part i'm still struggling with.
today is a weekday. its still alright, but like i said. fri sat and sun. its gonna get bad.
i duno if it is still gonna get bad. its a new week afterall. time did fly by.

(edit 12.28am: ok. so i just did something stupid. f-ingly stupid. itchy fingers and an impatient heart. thats all i could say. why the hell did i not think thru the consequences of what my actions would be before i send the message over? now i can only blame myself for the one emotion i'm feeling now: anger. and its the emotion of the flesh. my spirit man tells me no, you shouldnt be angry! but why is it i feel this way????????!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who the f could understand the frustration that i'm in right noww! i cant even see what i'm typing becausee all this anger comes out as tears. And i know this angers is from the hurt. how could i ever deny i wasnt hurt? how in the world did i mange to survive this long to even believe and lie to myself that this is going to be easy for me?!
Cynthia, in the first place, he asked the question. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE THE BLOODY DECISION. who do you want to blame?
i just wanted to talk about it. understand what he's feeling! i want to knoww. why wouldnt i want to knoww?! but how would i knoww short, unrevealing messages hurt me. and so i've opened my wound again. clever girl man.
haii. friendship? as much as i want to. i dont think its possible anymoree. i tried. why i send the message, was an attempt at friendship. but its never gonna work that way. how arrogant of me to think i could take things into my own hands. how arrogant...

but sometimes i think.. why do i even want to attempt when no one [see, there is only 2 in this story, so no one means?] else is attempting. whyy do i give a f at all. noww thats where anger brings me to. thoughts like this. thoughts like why do i even care about you. why do i even feel hurt and angry when I was hurt before? shouldnt it be like the story. burn the fingers drop the cup, the pain is not long. why is thiss thingg soo damnn longggg! so f-ing long. why is it i'm the only one that seem to be hurting in this thing.. WHY! my mind demands fairness.
Its not like i didnt put the past behind me. Thus the attempt! But putting the past behind me, apparently, isnt as easy for me as like it was for someone else. I dont want to go into why.
I'm plain PISSED. Yes, in my heart I ask DO I DESERVE ALL THESE. from whoever.
my spirit grieves when i'm like this. but... forget it.. grieving my spirit hurts me even more.

No longer. No longer will i shed tears. No longer will i feel hurt. No longer will i give a shit. )

God must have better plans. ):

UGH!
if i consider my last sem marvelous, the first half of this sem was good. and this week was so-so only.
and so far, so-so was the worst i would rate my school days.
SSM was ok though very tiring.
projects are all due one after another, i just thank God i have time to do them and the strength. God's strength. Badminton, I dont want to talk about it.

Ok, i do want to talk about it.
Here's some facts.
past: i go for trainings diligently, i've never went for training with the mindset of slacking before unless halfway thru training the drills really bore me to hell. which is like very often nowadays.
after i made up my mind that i dont want to go anymore: I have totally no mood for badminton at all. thus low/no attendance.
Now, its not like i didnt do my duty, its not like i didnt put in my efforts to keep the team going in the past, its not like I WASN"T HURT we are treated like we are bloody noobs.
So what if we cant make it. If you want us to make it, you should all the more train us and not try to tell us "definitely you will improve if you are not good enough, ok" and then turn around and NOT TURN UP FOR TRAINING.

All i asked for, is for the one who has authority, whoever that person may be, to tell me if he/she needs me to be in the team. If I'm needed, I better be treated like I am needed for eg; serious trainings, consistent attendance by the rest.
if not, sorry I'm never gonna go back to a half empty bucket kinda training anymore.

in the beginning, the badminton hall was like a 3rd home ( home first, church second), now, its just a deserted ground.

ps: Jenna, I'm really sorry about the things I said. Its frustrations that I know shouldnt be targeted at you at all. Sorry girl.

its not like i dont miss those days

school

2008-07-02T17:31:00.003+08:00

AHH!
school is like taking up alot of my timee!
not that its not good or not that I'm unwilling. but I'm very tired and school is so mentally draining.
to give you guys a clearer picture. look at this image on the left. you could even click to enlarge.
thats a fine example of how tormenting school is.
thats my online discussion. every thursday at 4-6 (which is now) I have to post stuff regarding my project and so on up at this web and the teacher will participate in our discussion.
So that main point is, i'll be with all my project groupmates in the school lab. not talking at all but posting online our conversation. its a total waste of time.

Days are passing fine so far. Told you weekdays are easy. I'm just very tired most of the time. From school from everything. I really want to get away. cant wait for all the projects and exams to end. cant wait for everything to end. I want to go overseas. I want to take a break.
I'm now craving for a trip to sentosa. i've been craving for it since so long. But i never have the time for it at all. When is my time coming. sigh.

Patient in affliction

2008-06-30T21:09:00.002+08:00

the worst part:
looking at someone you know you cant have.

when patience - (adj)bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

But God says:
12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

alekx!

2008-06-29T22:31:00.006+08:00

tonight, we went to send alekx off at the airport.
she's leaving for australia to study.
no doubt i will miss her. alot.

my emotions wasn't very kind to me today.
i was not only feeling sad cause i'll miss alekx.
i was also flooded with feelings that i thought was fading at an increasing acceleration.
feelings caught me off guard. took me by surprise.
the desires of the flesh. and the desires of the spirit. what a battle.
it torments me.
i believe this is going to be the case for the next few weekends.
just like all the weekends before.
its another of the "deep dark hole" days again.
the days when i just want to crawl under my blanket, curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep.
or to think about things. pray. pray that at this time, God comes to comfort.

yun told me today i look skinnier.
i rmb kor telling me i look as if i'm anorexic when we met up a week ago.
am i really anorexic?
maybe slightly. i remember my friends saying anorexic could be eating very little as well, not totally hating food.
like drinking a few mouths of soup and a few spoons of rice.
i skip my lunches more often then i know.
my dinner is finished between 3-5 spoonfuls. side dishes don't interest me.
yes. maybe i'm slightly anorexic.
haha.

thats me. last year.

thats me like 2 weeks ago.

compare.

ps: saturday's post ( 3 post after this) has edits.

in the mood for a holiday...

2008-06-29T13:46:00.003+08:00

i do feel i need a big break.
i want to be away from everything.
hectic school life; pinching emotional life; etc.

and as i was doing my project on tourism in singapore. the holiday-ing idea struck me as a good one. i have seen several interesting resorts that are, well, more for honey-mooners but i figured is good for a single person looking for some peace too. they are really nice i tell you. at least they give me a chance to sit on a plane and fly away.

in Thailand - Pimalai Resort and Spa

pavillion suite

beach villa

pool villa - my favourite in Pimalai

in Thailand;chiangmai - Sukantara Cascade resorts

poolsuite;bedroom and yard

luxury camp

So far this are the more to my liking ones. I believe my favourite lecturer Mr Pras has shown me better ones. Ones that I absolutely adore! Once I find out from him i'll probably let you guys know and show them to you. The world has so much more.

Still, my ultimate goal is to relax and all.
Go to the beach, get a nice tan, sleep under the stars, relax on my bed facing the ocean.
I really do feel like getting away...

edit:
in Malaysia - Pangkor Laut

sea villa - on stilts. cool!
beach villa

check out the following video on the resort

sometimes i'll feel.

2008-06-28T23:32:00.005+08:00

sometimes i'll feel alone.
sometimes i'll feel i cant talk to you.
sometimes i'll feel left out.
sometimes i'll feel helpless.
sometimes i'll feel " why cant i be there at that moment?"
sometimes i'll feel i dont have any more strength.
sometimes i'll feel " i want to be there!!!!! argh!"
sometimes i'll feel its a one way communication.
sometimes i'll feel hopeless.
sometimes i'll feel that i want to give up.
sometimes i'll feel awkward but i want to remove the awkwardness at the same time.
sometimes i'll feel i want to be far away from everything and everyone.
sometimes i'll feel i hate memories.
sometimes i'll feel why do they have to be memories.
sometimes i'll feel memories are nice and wonderful.
sometimes i'll feel i just want to talk to you.
sometimes i'll feel concerned but i cant ask and be concerned.
sometimes i'll feel there would forever be a gap in between.
sometimes i'll feel loved and cared for.
sometimes i'll feel "leave me alone!"
sometimes i'll feel " could we turn back time? would things be different."
sometimes i'll feel "as time goes by, things will get better."
sometimes i'll feel "you cant recover spilled milk."
edit:
sometimes i'll feel jealous.
sometimes i'll feel heartbrokened.
sometimes i'll feel things would be just right as time gets by.
sometimes i'll feel so distant.
sometimes i'll feel i want to runn! till i have no energy left.
sometimes i'll feel like doing things just to see what reactions i will get.
sometimes i'll feel all i need is my sisters in christ with me. we'd all have a jolly time.

one time i feel... i'd soon be void of feelings.

God is good

2008-06-27T17:19:00.008+08:00

GOD is good

...so very good.

sungha jung

2008-06-27T13:10:00.000+08:00

my guitar idol...

of course.. not forgetting the other one.

this song...

2008-06-25T20:43:00.005+08:00

Pause the song on the side bar first if you want to listen to this.
One of my favourite song when it first came out. Its another piano/guitar song.
I like songs with piano or guitar. They are softer than the rest.
Today I heard it again and felt some of its words I could use to express some of my feelings.

我懷念wo huai nian de - 孫燕姿stefanie

我怀念的 - 孙燕姿

我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么
不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白
你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的
我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了
所以我
没有哭
没有说

But I realise this song is a rather critical song. Well. The song's situation arent exactly the same. I'm just using the words to express how I feel sometimes. The things i miss.
And yes, ultimately, like in the song, I have to learn to open out arms to let it go. No matter how much I dont want to. I have to.
I remember someone telling me. I cant hold on to something for too long.

Imagine a small piece of gold in your hand. You treasure it so much. You clench your fist so tight. You refuse to let go. You shake your head NO! You held so tight that you failed to see the gold in your hands anymore. But in the midst of refusing, you refused the diamond that God wants to place into your hands. And He can only do it if you open up your hands.

And I'm glad I'm more than halfway there.

CYNTHIA is a SUCKER for the internet.

2008-06-24T11:49:00.004+08:00

CYNTHIA is a SUCKER for the internet.
yes i cant survive without it.
i panicked this morning when I realise all the computers in my house is useless!
I cant get into msn, IE, firefox.. blah de blah~
BUT i got it donee! by myselff! i'm proud of myself. (:

Ok, the reason why I'm at home today is. Yea I was gonna be late.
I woke up 6++, changed and all. gathered my stuff. and got ready to do my hair.
That was at about 0640. thats the most frustrating part because having hair my length.
you cant twist it into a lovely bun, you can tie it half without hair sticking out.
and its really frustrating to make it really nice and neat so that you can score 1point! for grooming.
oh well. so after i did my hair and looked at the time, GOSH! 0705! I ran out of the house with shoe bag in hand, walked towards the busstop, passing blocks of flats and crossing an over head bridge just in time to find out that i had left my tie and name tag at home. Lord save me. so i had to run back to take the tie and i went out to try to catch a cab! by then my perfect hair was already half in a mess and my shirt is all out and the time is 0721. technically i only have another 30 more minutes to take the cab, get to school, do some make up and get myself looking imeculate. i deemed that impossible. i waved for taxis but none came. and finally, ONE! then the lady at the bus stop had to get the cab from me. how irritating. but its ok. i looked at the time. 0726. after looking left and right for any cab at all. i said " bah. no school for me today."

i didnt want to go to school today anyway. yesterday, after blogging, i went to my room and cried and cried. i felt so bad inside. i think it was the first time i volunteerily allowed myself to cry since that day. not that i hadnt cried but it was mostly the quite, few drops of tear cry. yesterday was the sobbing kinda cry. and though i felt so bad yesterday. after the crying God comforted me. He came and told me.. dear girl be patient. wait and i will definitely give you what you want that is good for you. and that became my phone wallpaper. finally some light was shed.
i was also reading Joshua Harris's boy meets girl, i should have read it earlier. I came to understand alot on waiting on the Lord in terms of relationship. I came to understand that i have to hope in God and trust him. I believe this learning is a daily thing.

also, in the book, i realise there is alot of similarities between what he has written and what I'm going through. If he had also read the book and had some conviction and thats why we are where we are. i thank the Lord it fell this way. and i thank him too. for doing whats good and whats righteous in the eyes of the Lord. [God will never shortchange one who is righteous before him. You've found favor in the eyes of the Lord. God bless you.]

James, though younger than me, could point 2 things out to me after he read my posts.
1. psalsm 40:1
2. 1 corinthians 13:4 ( in this blog)
thank you james, and yess laa i noted it down!

i thank the Lord, for coming to me in so many ways and so many forms. For giving me comfort through friends, His word and His spirit of peace. Lord you are just amazing.

2008-06-23T21:21:00.003+08:00

tmr will be the third week.
still, i cant deny the fact that emotions are still in me.
sometimes i miss.
sometimes i hurt.
sometimes i wonder.
i wonder what i did wrong.
i wonder why i fail to let a person's impression/feelings of me stay the same.
its for only about 2 months. and yet things could change so drastically.
i do not blame things for changing. but i rather they not change at all.
i still have lots of questions in my head. things that only the other party could answer.
but i think its best i do not raise my questions. for the answers that i get could do me no help.
tomorrow would be the third week of an ending. tomorrow could have been the third month of a beginning.
i dont want tomorrow to come.

Lord I pray today, you let the hurt come. Let them come all at once and let them never come back again. Lord these feelings are actually unbearable, they pain me alot and throws me into doubt and self-pity, sadness and heart-wrenching pain. Lord I pray, you take away this attraction to him. Take it away Lord, TAKE IT AWAY. take it away. If it pulls me away from you Lord, take it away. If its the one thing that causes me to hurt at night, daze through my days, Lord take it away. And after that fill me with a different love, Lord. The way and the love you wanted for me.
And Lord, forgive us. Forgive us for our foolishness and our ill-discipline. For relying on our own emotions and our own plans even when we know, our own plans may fail. Lord, forgive us now. And take away all that hurts and torment our minds with the grace that you so readily give.
Amen.

2008-06-22T21:33:00.001+08:00

more often that not i find myself missing...

no wonder he is called my guardian.

2008-06-21T23:54:00.002+08:00

the ultimate wake up call.

guitar and the forms of God.

2008-06-20T23:39:00.012+08:00

just when i wanted to learn guitar so i could have something to occupy my mind and for future personal worship purposes but feel that i could never make it since i had no money for lessons and no motivation and no one close and i feel is willing to teach me guitar... this comes along..

Uncle daniel called today. His call made me feel so loved. By God. thank you uncle daniel. for being understanding and supportive. i know this is how God would be like if God is here to talk to me like how uncle daniel talk to me. God is like everywhere, in alot of forms.

He comes in the form of a ever encouraging and concern sister and brother like huiling and shawn.

He comes in the form of people with authority, who lower themselves to your level and show you that you are not less important in the kingdom of God. I thank the Lord for Uncle Daniel, Aunty Ivy, Randy Chan.

He comes in the form of good friends who are not afraid to ask you what happen because they know you need/want to talk about it and they want to make you feel better. mel mong huiyun laura ( thanks for spending time with me(: )

He comes in the form of listening ears and concern hearts, never failing to remember you in their prayers and never failing to ask how's your day. Because they know that you need every minute, encouragements and hope. They have faith in you and believe that God will hold you up. These are in Hitomi Alekx Bird Shuen Lala Beatrice Kristy Joanne and every other girl in cell( of course, those 4 above as well). ( Because even your smallest act of kindness and concern i noticed. and i love all of you for that.)

He comes in the form of people, whom at first could not understand what you are going through, but still gave you their support and made you think of what you really need. And they made you realise that the one you really need is God above. Uncle KK, Kahwan, Gene, and all others who are like bricks that form a building. a small but very real part of me. you are a part of God's plan too. when in doubt. just imagine how God has used you to form this small part of my blog post. one that i feel praises my Lord.

He comes in the form of the bible, where everyday he teaches you by his own Word, that all is not lost and there is so much more in the world. That love doesnt come from one person but from ONE GOD.

Lord I thank you.
and Lord I pray today, you give me the heart capacity, to LOVE like you LOVE.
God I feel your love, Lord. Its so tremendous I don't know what I could give to you as a worthy gift, or sacrifice, or offering, or service. Lord, all i could do, is offer up my prayer. That Lord, bless those around me like you have blessed me. That all may know and all may see, the way i know and the way i see, my one and only God. the one who loves me like no one else before. And may it bring Glory and Honour to your already mighty name.
Amen.

list.

2008-06-19T20:07:00.007+08:00

i'm into lists right now. abit late to be into lists but.

list of things to do when you just got out of a relationship

1. read the bible
2. draw up exercise regime ( go swimming once a week, run 4 km every other day) just so you would feel healthier and more confident of your body.
3. go on a shopping spree with your best girlfriends
4. talk to your guy friends!
5. start a diet
6. pack up your stuff, throw away things you dont want to see
7. buy chocolates so you can eat them when you totally feel like crying
8. get some christian read, they are so encouraging
9. eat your favourite food, last indulgence before going on the diet at (5)
10. get a pet
11. think of other lists to start on
12. watch some tv ( do up a list of movies you want to watch)
13. check your friendster and facebook and post up your best photos
14. go for a walk under the stars
15. play some silly online games

i wont try to act strong, hiding the fact that i just came out of a relationship and i'm not bothered by it. i'm bothered. but i'm trying hard to get past this bothered stage.
i'm proud to say. i leveled up.
from paranoid. to very bothered. to bothered. to now: take it as it comes.
will i go to a stage of "cant-be-botheredness"?

thank you allene darling. for accompanying me for a good swim today. i worked those muscles quite a bit. (:
thank you mong, mel huiyun and laura. for spending your time with me yesterday. it was a good fellowshipping and bonding session. and i feel very touched that all of you are so concerned about me. not to worry my dears. God is supporting me. (:

i'm very afraid.
now is the period of letting go. i'm doing good.
i dont have problem convincing myself to forget.
i try my hardest. gave in all my effort to push you out of my mind.
but i fear. i fear that i might fail.
for if this feeling does not fade away. i'd have to hurt for the rest of my life.
i think i fear because. though i have no problems letting go of past relationship(s),
this one seems... good to yearn for.
so i pray the longest prayer. Lord help me. dont fail me.

2008-06-17T14:46:00.002+08:00

God is the almighty God.
The only one who is able to comfort me the way I'm comforted,
the only one who is able to tell me the truth and let the truth not hurt.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free
John8:32

O Lord, please forgive me.
For failing to see that only you could comfort me.
For depending on the strength of my own arms.
For being blinded by the one hand that could lift me up.
For hearing and not listening, for others and not myself.
Lord forgive me, for thinking you loved others more than me.
For thinking that because others do works greater than me they should be taken greater care of.
For seeking refuge in darkness and not light.
For grieving the Holy Spirit that is within me.
For not holding on to you but allowing myself to be misguided by the lies of the world.
O Lord only your truth could set me free.
So Lord, please forgive me.
Guide me and guard my heart, as I sit with my mind on you and my heart like the open field, repenting on what I've done.

Very often people feel the need to ask for forgiveness. But they fail to realise that asking for forgiveness doesnt entail only saying sorry. Sorry is merely a word that express your regret. Sorry does not express the fact that you are willing to repent. Many times when the hurt is bad, but people are willing to forgive, if only the other is willing to repent. But its not always that one is willing to repent, or know how to.

I want to be like David, Lord, one that's after your very heart.

Back from Msia.

2008-06-16T00:54:00.005+08:00

Back from church camp.
What happened there could never be explained with just one blog post.
Lets put it simply: Lots of things happened, and I didnt really enjoy myself alot. Most of the time my mind is on things or should I say a person and of all the things that could happen I fell ill.

However, church camp did bring me closer to the girls in my cell and also very much closer to God. And I really thank God for just being there, never failing to stand up behind us and being our very present support. Lord, should my life be without you, I would not be who I am.
And to the girls, thank you for being there for me. If church camp could be made better without me I would rather it be that. Its a regret that my very first church camp with all of you is what I think it is. A very disturbed one. But nonetheless I thank God for placing all of you in my life. (:

And also, after thinking alot and people telling me things. I finally realised one thing. The very reason why we cant be together. Its because I can no longer tell him the things that he wants to hear. He's forgotten the first reason why he likes me. What used to be a good character point now becomes a bad point. I'm positive I'm not sorry things turn out this way. Its a hard lesson but a lesson none the less. I just pray that no one gets pass this not learning anything.

As for now, I'm very sick and in need of all the rest I can get. I pray the Lord heal me and comfort me.

camp!

2008-06-09T23:22:00.003+08:00

I'm taking some time off to blog so thank me. Thank me because I know you would grumble if I dont update and I dont have much time left.
its 2335 now and I'm really tired. But I have yet to pack my bag for the camp tomorrow and well, there are just things I have to do.

I'm going to blog with my senses today.
Early this morning I woke up and traveled to pasir ris to meet up with my project mates. While I was waiting for the bus outside I saw this van that drove pass really slowly, but its exhaust was jet black and coughing out of the vehicle. I started to despise that driver because he cant be bothered to get his car check. The pollution and smell is unbearable. Along the way I read my book which I will tell you what its about soon enough. So I read till I reach white sands. Today we are only 4 strong. But meeting was fruitful I must say. At least this time I felt like I did something. I was never assigned work to do for my TTo project I wonder why. Am I handicapped or useless or something? Well, whatever.

Halfway through they decided to get some food to fill the empty growling stomachs. And K.C, being the guy who tries all the new stuff, got this...
Its like ewwness. Look at it. It looks like... honestly speaking... LAO SAI. And I tasted a bit of it, the LAO SAI actually tasted not bad. Its actually Green Tea McFlurry. How innovative of the people working at McDonalds. Oh well. As long as it tastes good..

After that I had to head off to Gleneagles Hospital to meet up with mum. She is intending to go for lasic so she is getting her eyes checked. I tell you, the journey there from pasir ris could kill. I spent a total of 1hr 30mins in the bus. I trust my butt to be flat after.

At the hospital. Whoa, the first smell that came through my nose was that of the disinfectants and all. Yea, its the hospital smell. I managed to find mum in Parkway Eye centre. There was TV but i continued to read my book while waiting for her. At that time it was already about 3+ 4. When mummy asked me if I was hungry that was when I felt the hunger in my tummy. The only thing I ate was half of a filet burger and some fries in the morning. Awwman. So at about 4+ After Mummy got her consultation we went down to delifrance to eat. Mama Mia... Chicken Feuliette. Or sth like that.
And we cabbed home since I have training at 6.

Training! I was late. Still had to do footwork. And today's footwork was a killer. After that was multiple shuttles. Surprisingly Mr Wong put me to train under the singles people. I was like HUH. Me? oh well, he probably has no where else to slot me. During muliple shuttle was when i decided to post about senses. Mr Wong's smell was strong. Not a bad odour, just a person's smell. From his shirt, something like that. And I remembered someone else's smell. Well.....
So towards the end of training we had some physical. And at the last set... at the last step... I had to twist my ankle and fall... Oh well.

2008-06-08T23:27:00.001+08:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Neil Gaiman.

haha. Jenna won't blame me for lifting this from her blog. Thanks Jen.

2008-06-08T21:16:00.004+08:00

days are passing so slow.

i slept most of today. the day's cool anyway. a great day for a snuggle. so with my bolster and blanket i slept the afternoon away. waking up only to send my dad off to the airport.

i need to get my mind occupied. no doubt about that.
but sometimes i wonder.

do you feel like how i feel?

2008-06-07T23:11:00.002+08:00

i'm quite wrecked now. its as if there's a hole. the kind of emptiness that every break up brings. i dont like it at all. seeps life out of me. i often just feel like recoiling into my own dark hole. where no one can see and no one will know the thrashing and the kicking that i do inside. hopefully it gets over soon. really soon.

i dont know if the ball is still falling or has it already landed painfully on the floor. if it has, its time it bounces right back up. this time going higher still.

i cant deny it hurts. i cant deny that i'm angry. but how long can i stay that way...
most of the time, the world doesnt stop long enough for you to nurse a broken heart..

2008-06-07T13:27:00.002+08:00

I woke up late this morning for training, and its a miracle when i arrived at the training hall my coach is not there yet. But I must admit, training has gotten more interesting. At least we dont have to do drills the whole day.

As I've mentioned before, its the holidays now. But I dont exactly know how to enjoy it. I have lots of random things on hand to do. Church camp is taking up a week of my hols. I have the other week with nothing planned. All my friends are so busy I can hardly find time to get them out! So here's an appeal: girls?! anyone for sentosa?
I need the sun, i need the beach, sometime for myself.

I cant say I'm looking forward to church camp now. Defintely God has something planned for me. But what about the times when we are neither worshipping nor in a service? There'll be lots of people, too many for me to be able to spend time alone if I want to, and I would want to. All the time. I'm bringing in like 2 books and my handy mp3. Hopefully it lasts me 5 days. If only I could go away on a holiday by myself. I would have gone somewhere. Bali probably. Somewhere where there's the sun and a beach and serenity. Now, I'm satisfied as it is with my room.

I'm just like an egg. I appear strong. But once broken, everything goes wrong.

Go...

2008-06-04T23:47:00.008+08:00

Its the first time I'm wiling to let something go, without expecting it to ever come back again.
Its not exactly what I want to do. No one knows but me the exact amount of pain in the left corner of my chest. But its something I must do. For us to be better people there are things that we must do. Sacrifices we must make.

Now is the time when one feels like her heart is numb and its so shriveled there is simply no space anymore.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm being cruel, but sooner or later you will know the reason why.

... No need to say goodbye...

recently...

2008-06-03T22:39:00.003+08:00

ok here's a post on recent events.
Last tuesday 27/5 we had our usual SSM lesson.
So being a lucky girl, I had no role in the day's operation and was positioned as a prac. Which means i get to practice my skills in the class. Ha! So it was helluvafun in there with all the people. we gossiped, tried magic tricks and all. here. picture tells it all.

and then on friday 30/5 we went to ToP Table again. this time not for SSM but for the wonderful food!! I ordered Aioli platter for my appetizer followed by the duck confit for main and finally had dessert! i tell you everything is like umm. mamamia. and the best part is, darren and jiajuin brought red wine. So we got ourselves drunken mad.

No la I was only kidding. But all of us turned red. Good thing we went after our lectures.
That day I met up with the badminton people to catch narnia. YONGHUA and TANCY came! These two old birds are no longer in the team. And awwww, I miss them! No photos though. And I tell you, NARNIA was like the best movie! Makes me feel like I want to be in a place like this, where the trees dance, the animals talk and the river has life. Where Griffins are soaring and Centaurs roam the earth and little Chivalrous mices scuttle around. Awman.

Holidays.

2008-06-03T14:25:00.002+08:00

Ahhh. I'm like in school now. We are having project meeting now. Although i really dont feel like coming just now, i came anyway. So in the end, look what happens when you go to school lab for project meeting when you dont feel like it. You end up blogging.

Its the holidays now. My exams have ended. I only have one paper. Thank God. So now I have all the time in the world to sort myself out. I realise there is actually alot of things that I have to do and should do.

First my house is in a mess. I mean my part of the house. My shelf in the study room, the make up drawer in my closet. My computer table. Everywhere's a mess. So I've set aside time to pack up my room this week before I go for church camp.

Secondly, I've decided to do up my shop. I met this guy in school one day. he was selling some clothes on the push cart, as I was looking he came up to assist me. We started talking and I found out that he actually does wholesale apparels. So I think I've landed myself a huge business. I gave him my email, hopefully its the right one because I have yet to hear from him. I've got some tips from him on doing a blogshop online. So I've decided to revamp my shop and see how business goes. I have some apparels to sell too.

Thirdly, I've got youth tee to do. This one is hardest because I cant make decisions myself. I've also set aside time for it so that I could send the youth church the designs to let them see before going for camp.

Last but not least, I have to sort out myself, my emotions and my relationship.
Its not exactly the best of times.

"I think you have to deal with the confused situation that we're faced with by seizing on the glimpses and particles of life, seizing on them and holding them and trying to make a pattern of them. In other words, trying to put a world back together again out of its fragmentary moments."
-Archibald MacLeish

down period

2008-06-01T19:48:00.003+08:00

As much as I try to be, I know I'm not happy.
I sometimes wonder if I've made the wrong decision or was there something wrong along the way. Its difficult when expectations are different and priorities are different and being honest has lost its purpose. its a so-called first, but the problem's been there for some time. I want to vomit every single thing out so I feel better inside but in reality problems are just not solved this way. Keeping things to myself seem to be better then exposing it because once exposed, frustrations of one becomes the problem of two or even more.

I've yet to pin point what the problem is.
I want to study, but how much could go in when the mind's already filled with problems of its own.

exams and holidays!

2008-05-28T10:10:00.001+08:00

Yes, this 2 weeks will be fast weeks.
i have papers today and tomorrow.
then papers on monday and a proficiency test on tuesday.
then, the world belongs to me. (:

Just because I'm a Child of God.

2008-05-24T00:37:00.003+08:00

the price of being a child of God.
note: I'm not saying that being a child of God is like bad cause it causes people to suffer. Its the best thing that could ever happen. I'm just lamenting/complaining about what it takes to be a child of God. espacially when you are in a family full of pre believers.

one thing. I wont call someone a pre-believer unless that someone has heard of and is just in a stage of coming to terms with being a christian. that means that person have interest, but has doubts. That is a pre-believer. My family.. I think they are in the new world mindset. i'm my own god. I used to remember my granny tell me, " Dont go church la. look at your daddy! He dont go to church, he believes in himself and his ability. see where he is now!" true enough, i would say that my father is a very successful person. I love my Dad. I'm not saying that believing in ourselves is wrong. But how much could just "ourselves" do? Just like the Lord says. " You cannot even turn a strand of black hair white" or vice versa. We can only do the possible, but God? He can do the impossible.

So back to the topic of prebelievers. I wont call my family a pre-believer family. They are simply not interested and sometimes even object.

So there is my problem. I really do not know how I'm going to reach out to them, but I'm trying very hard, through prayer, through my behaviour and through words. I pray.
I try to behave myself, keeping my priorities and trying hard not to let my parents worry. But the fact is that at this age, its hard because you are feeling like a grown up but in the eyes of your parents, you will forever be a child! Now I'm faced with curfews, low pocket money and lots of questioning.ok, maybe my pocket money has increased. And I have no comments about the curfews, its just there to help me know what i should or should not do to let my parents worry. But the questioning is driving me nuts. Its not just simple questions, its accusational questions! somtimes i wonder havent they seen the great changes in my life, how i've changed to the improvement of my results and all that. The small being in me is shouting out : " LOOK! I'M A BETTER PERSON NOW!"

To me being a christian is:
-An infinite friendship with the Lord.
-A real sense of security and hope.
-Finally having someone I could really really really trust and not afraid that my relationship will fall away like all the other relationship did.

To my parents, me being a christian is:
-taking away their daughter's time of spending with family.
-a cause of worry for their daughter is now putting alot of time into church, how about her studies?!
-is she giving money to the church?
-she wont honour us when we are dead.

although the last one is abit far fetched. i do think most non christian parents think so of their christian offsprings. well. that doesnt matter.

I just pray that one day, they will understand. God is my ultimate support. I cant live without Him. He raises me up, gives me hope, helps me push my limits, forgives all my wrong doings, protects me and shields me, counsels me, guides me, and never had he asked for anything in return. Thats my God for you.

tourism videos.

2008-05-23T19:52:00.002+08:00

Yes, being in a tourism course, definitely I will look up such things. check all of these out.

Taiwan - funny version.

taiwan - welcome to taiwan

thailand

Japan - yokozo Japan!

Back to the primary school days.

2008-05-22T22:57:00.001+08:00

How I spend my time...
Haha. Alright. I have to admit. I was kinda stupid today. With nothing todo, I landed myself in Neopets. And I created an account. It reminds me of my childhood days when the only thing i do after i get home from school is to log on to the internet and get myself hooked onto neopets. thats about p2 p3 p4 periods. After that I lost interest in games. Games i played before were kalonline, and whats that called again? Yea, Maplestory, and Audition and whats the otherone by asiasoft. Yep. Those are the recent ones. Currently everytime I have nothing to do, I head to viwawa to have some mahjiong sessions. Haha. Thats how i spend my time.

cashier for the day and some random tots.

2008-05-21T20:23:00.005+08:00

hooo! I know i havent been blogging for the longest time possible. Ok. thats exaggeration.
Today's post would be kinda random.

Tuesday was the first day of operations at ToP Table. In case you guys do not ToP Table is a restaurant in TP serves as a training ground for CCM, LRM and HTM students. HTM students take charge of ToP table and Sugarloaf this semester. Ah. And on the fateful day of our first operations, yours truly was the cashier. Woo. Thank goodness I had the chance to practice cashering when i was in cartel. The day's cashiering was no kick to me. And also because there was 2 cashiers. Haha. The overall experience was quite fun la. (:

alright. some other things about my life.
I've drawn up a training schedule for myself. to train up my stamina. and for 3 reasons I did this.
1. train up so i'm a notch above the rest in badminton even if my skills suck. lol.
2. considering i may jump cca to dragonboat of canoe polo, i need to train up to match up to their vigorous training routines.
3. someone said i need to loose the fats. so yea.. =/

so as i was running today. i suddenly thought of those really fat people. And i tot. how pityful those people. firstly i think most of their weight is caused by stress. stress causes people to work more, eat more, excercise less. thus their weight increases. and now that they are huge, they are even more stressed because everywhere they turn people look better then them. unless you are some sorta uber optimistic huge person den good for you. but if you are not, brace yourself dear brother/sister! start a training routine!

another random thought today. I'm starting to feel that i'm neglecting myself. Its like I've been skipping lectures ( ok, i'm being honest, quit the criticism.), not doing my work and its week 5 and I have yet to see the teacher for one of my lesson! hahaha. I think i'm like so dead. I'm going to see him tomorrow. how nice. helo Mr Nair. There's so much i have to do and I havent been planning my time well. 5 weeks into school term and I have yet to get my hands started on anything serious. So later on I'm going to write out my schedule and to-do list and hopefully I can get a grip on my life.

oh yea, i've been thinking of going for the mission trip to aceh. to teach the students computer and english. hmmm. but it just clashes with my exams so. mayb its not for me yet. hopefully i get the time to go on a mission trip soon because I want to do my part. To sichuan, to myanmar, anywhere, I'd go for the name of the Lord.

And hoo, listen to this boy. I think God made him special.
You know, my heart was actually aching for the people in china and myanmar, i was thinking of all those who survived. not all those who died. Because once u die, there is not much you could feel anymore, but having someone close to you die. its like UGH. and you know what. Little man Logan was right. God's son died too. Everyone, could run to God because who else understands the feeling of loosing a loved one than God.

2008-05-17T14:08:00.002+08:00

Ok. this video here is for Shawn and Huiling and all other dog lovers out there. I stumbled upon it and I think both of them would love it.
The dog's name is Faith.

Another video. MUST WATCH. definitely. the girl is soooo cute!

Here's the convo:
Mum: And tell mummy what you're gonna do if he's gonna come in here.
Girl: I said I'm gonna kick his ass.
Mum:oh.. Thats not nice...
Girl: If he's gonna come in here, he's gonna kick my ass!
Mum: haha. He will?
Girl: Yea.. haha. Will he come out in a moment? He'll come out and kick my ass. And i'm gonna kick his ass.
Mum: haha. Ok. But thats not a nice word. You should say kick his butt.
Girl: Oh..

LOL!

2008-05-16T15:12:00.002+08:00

Here's some funny videos for all of you to enjoy.

This first one is the australian tourism video. Its name : Where the bloody hell are you.

This next one shows the origins of STUBBIES, the ultimate short shorts that man likes to wear in the 60s. Check it out.

This third advertisement, haha. good for students who never have enough time to do their papers.Its actually the scratch card advertisement.

This next commercial by Mastercard. Haha. Somethings money just cant buy.

The one thats next. Is really stupid. Haha.

This is a four in one combo. Lol

Underwear commercial. LOL.

No terrorist could survive with this car.

Norwegian airlines commercial. Haha!

Alright, thats all for today.

2008-05-15T23:40:00.002+08:00

Its been some time since I blogged. Its not that I dont want to blog but blogging everyday is just abit boring la. But life's been rather interesting.

Some updates:
11 May - Mother's day!
Yes, my entire family went out for dinner, entire family meaning my uncles and aunts as well. We bought all the mothers a huge cake. And I bought for my mum and my grandmother tickets to take the singapore flyer! But my ah ma told me, "Xian ah, I have a bad heart, I will scared know." Haha. Oh well. Here are some photos!

thats my mum's card. my ah ma's card. and the tickets.

thats my drunk brother. haha!
thats all the photos I have for mothers day. the rest is in the digital cam so it will be loaded another time.

13 May - SSM
SSM was the slackest. We just sat there and listened to what people had to say about service and how things should work and some questions that we wanted to know before we officially start service on next Tuesday. Oh man, thinking about it is sending jitters down my spine.
So we had a dry run of how things should work. And here's something that I took.
thats Caroli!

14 May - Phototaking day!
Haha. I had phototaking. Its actually to take professional photographs of ourselves. So we had to wear our formal. So I woke up early to do my hair and all, hoping i wont be late to meet my friends, in the end, still late. Haha. So after photo taking we had some fun in class la. Here's some photos that kimberly took usingy phone.

thats me.

thats bizhi!

i was talking to the teacher!

haha. bizhi not looking, faster koop the sweet.

Alright. Thats all for today. I actually had somemore things to post. More photos. But today I'm not exactly in the mood to blog at all.
I'm feeling rather upset and totally stabbed. But nevermind about that.

past week

2008-05-08T21:26:00.002+08:00

Alright, I haven been updating much about my life so here am I.
Actually life is getting.. i dont know how to say. Its not boring cause there is school, I love to atten the lessons cause we keep learning. I have to admit, I am one weird freak who likes school, not just because of friends, but because of all those oh-so-interesting stuff that is taught in lessons. I tell you, I dont know how I would survive without school. Probably read till I go blind to quench my thirst for all those information.

But, life ain't as interesting as I want it to be. Well, for one, I cant get to meet gene everyday. Not that I want to meet him everyday, of course I want to meet him everyday, but meeting everyday is not healthy so not meeting everyday is good. But thats the problem, I want to meet him. Haha. Ok, I'm one confused girl. But its ok. I'm coping. Emotionally our relationship has kinda settled. I dont know if that is good or bad, still waiting to see. It would be good cause, well its settled. It would be bad cause settled = stagnation. And one of my friend, if I'm not wrong is Weilie told me this before : If a relationship stagnates, its not a good sign. Because there is no such thing as stagnation. You either move ahead, or you slide back.

And I guess its the same that applies to our relationship with God. If you don't push for it, you backslide.
Now, I am feeling like David. I am after God's very heart.

Anyway, training started. We changed the days from Wednesday to Monday. Saturday is still the same. Ok, its not that I am feeling bitchy about badminton or stuff like that, but training was a total insult. I told my dear boy about it and he's reaction was the same as anyone else who knows of the situation: the new girls suck??
Ok, my answer is this: Lets talk about skills only. Skills-wise, the girls are generally ok, a few a pretty good. But the insulting thing is, we ( as in the 6 of us who joined last year), are categorized together with the new girls. Like hello! We've been training with the team for an entire year! And I am positive my teammates' standard are better then most of the new ones. What makes the coach think that we should be categorized together. It just plain hurt me. I'm feeling unjustified. We've all been going for training, we've all been wanting to improve, but there just isnt enough attention give to us during training, and now, is it our fault that are team ain't even good enough to compete in POLITE and is it justifiable that we should be categorized with the new girls. I mean, no offence to the new ones, you girls have great attitude and the main point isn't you. If you understand my agony, please feel for me. uhg.

Yesterday I met up with my dear to go out with his friends. We ate at this curry rice place that serves o-la-la.. good curry rice. However, the main purpose wasn't to eat curry rice. We went to Cafe Domus, a nice place to chill in the evening with a few friends or even just your love one. Ok, I shall be honest. I drank. Irish Coffee. I ordered it cause I sorta rememeber this was a Flambe and it has a very impressive table side preparation procedure where they light up the liquer with fire before pouring the coffee in. Its a good tasting drink. I think the alcohol content was kinda high. And that is the main reason why I was kinda groggy today, and didnt realise my lesson was suppose to start at 9! So i happily went to school at 10 and whilst messaging my friend on the way, it dawned upon me that I was an hour late already. So I decided to give the lesson a miss.
So missing lessons = having to take mc.
So I just came back from the doc. Mr Shrink appears to be a handsome young man! How delightful. and after hearing my plight, that drinking Irish coffee has gotten me groggy, he went to say, " HEY! If you are feeling groggy it means you had a great time last night!" Yea, it was great, but not that kinda greatness mr Doc. And then he said " Do you know what is in Irish coffee?" I, apparently, had forgotten all my FnB studies about cocktails, liquers and all that so i said " Erh, rum? Tequila?" He said , " Nope, its whisky." Seems like Mr Doc has had some fun himself.

So here I am, at home, typing this uber long post to you guys because I realise I havent really blogged for a long time.

I CAN GO CHURCH CAMP!

2008-05-04T18:49:00.002+08:00

YAY!
I want to thank firstly my heavenly father, for permitting me to go for church camp! By His grace, my parent's gave me the green light to go for church camp. Praise the Lord.
Next, to all my lovely church friends and people who have kept me in prayer for this, THANK YOU SO MUCH! If not for you guys, I may not have been able to go. You guys have given me the chance to experience something that I have longed to experience but do not have the opportunity last year. This year I have the opportunity!

yay yay yay~~ i can go church campppP~~ yay yay yay~~~

ps:i'm with you.

I need prayer!

2008-04-28T23:47:00.003+08:00

I need prayer!
Everyone, please pray for me that my mum and dad would allow me to go for church camp. I really really really want to go for this church camp but my parents have said no the past few times I asked. The registration date is starting soon and I really dont want to miss the early bird special price because money is hard to come by, much less money that you earn through your own hands. But by God's grace I do have the money, just no permission to go. So pray for me that my mum would trust me and allow me to go for the church camp and that if I go I may be able to bring back fruits that are so good my parents could see that sending me there wasn't a mistake but a blessing!
I've been praying so pray for me ok!

SSM tmr! Oh no. ):

oh no.

2008-04-26T11:25:00.003+08:00

Oh no, its saturday. means 3 more days to hair bunning, tie-tying, goosbump-raising craziness.
i'm dreading...

check this out. you will regret if you dont click. cynthia's very own creation.

start of school!

2008-04-24T00:01:00.002+08:00

so school started this monday! But. it wasnt an official start la.
Most of our tutorail lessons aren't on yet. There's only lectures this week.
On monday I met gene early in the morning at 10am! I dont have lessons till 5 that day. So he accompanied me to aljunied to get my Service uniform, then we headed down to bugis to eat. Ate billy bombers there. It burned a big hole in my pocket and an even bigger hole in my dear boy's wallet. (So for the next few days i'm sticking to cup noodles. haha) Nevertheless we had a great lunch.
We went over to national library to get some books before it was my turn to accompany him. Went down to orchard for him to interview in the job that he hope he doesn't get. Haha, yea, u didnt read wrongly. A job that he doesnt want to get. But thats not the point of Monday.
The exciting part is coming. So after that I had to go school and so he decided he would go home. So at dhoby ghaut mrt we went our seperate ways. He went down to the purple line, i went to red line to take train. So after travelling down the long escalator and finally at the platform, i looked up and TA-DA! I saw my dear boy there! He said he changed his mind and would go with me to school and wait for me till my lecture ends.(Original plan was attend lecture with me.) How sweet. (:
After that he was introduced to one of my darlings, rachel! We went to buy some stuff I need for my service class and ate dinner before going back home. Ah.. the day couldn't be better i tell you.

Tuesday was SERVICE CLASS! *gasp* yea.. so its Mr Goh. My first impression of Mr Goh is that he is very fierce and too stern to be a nice teacher. But, i beg to differ after attending lecture on monday. He's actually a funny guy who is occaisionally too serious in his work. Or its probably just that he wants the HTM cohort in my school to be in tip top shape. Anyway, early in the morning as i reached school, the ladies is already packed with girls bunning their hair and putting on their uniform. I, unfortunately, was also among one of them. (yea i had to bun my hair. ew) So i pasted gel on my hair, combbed it till it was immaculate or at least i think), before putting on my heels and headed to my doom. As Mr Goh inspected each and every student's grooming, every student present had their heart stop at least 3 times.
1) When Mr Goh shouted at a guy, right into his ear. I tell you, that guy's face turned red. I dont really want to know how he felt. =/
2) When Mr Goh slammed the file onto the table, making loud crack sound.
3) When each is being inspected by Mr Goh for their grooming.
It would be a day that all other ah lians and ah huas, ah bengs and ah sengs wouldn't survive, while a TP HTM student would barely pass the day.

Today, at the badminton booth in school, then work. I'm now too tired to blog. And the time now is 12:30am on 24 April 2008. 1 month ago, on this day, I was the luckiest girl on earth.

2008-04-20T23:15:00.000+08:00

I have a bad and uncertain feeling...

2008-04-18T23:39:00.003+08:00

I am so tired I could collapse any moment. I mean real tired.
Since tuestday I had been working endlessly till today. Ok, endlessly is an exaggeration but still.
Tuesday till today we had new stocks coming in. It was dozens after dozens of cartons that came in.
On Wednesday, me and An were the ones collecting the stock. So we had to be at the store at 9.30am. So I woke up early in the morning to go to work. Argh. There was 19 cartons worth of stocks where we had to count and all that. Gosh. Killed me. And after counting, we had to hang all the apparels and put sensor tags on them. Then display them on the floor. It took the entire day. And I even worked OT till about 8pm. Thats 11 hours of work with only 1 hour of break. Bt luckily my dear came and seeing him just makes me feel better.

On Thursday I actually had the intention of not going to work at all. I intended to take the day of with an MC and just be with gene. But, because there were 68 cartons of shoes coming in, I cant leave my colleagues in the lurch. So I went to work. In the end, there's nothing much to do too cause by the time i started work at 2pm in the afternoon, most of it is done. All i had to do is tagg the shoes and display them, and that's quite easy. And today calynn came to accomapany me. No la, more like she wanted to get her stuff (I'm not writing what stuff because its meant to be someone's present and apparently that person reads my blog. *shrugs*)

So today, another 18 cartons of products came in. And they told us 12 yesterday! Liars. Today we had bags and other equipments. Some bags are really nice. I suggest you people go down to cineleisure to check them out. Not that other outlets do not have them but they just might be different. So we stuffed the bags, priced them and all that. Aww. Its all in a day's work. I'm dead tired.

Oh, and anyway, i resigned from Nike. Because my school timetable totally doesnt allow me to work. So I guess its better that I resign and get myself good grades. I know God's been blessing me with good results even though I started church this year and all. But there's a limit to how much commitment I can handle too. So, things like working have to go. Even if I have to survive on my $30 a week pocket money I dont care. And i trust my dear to take care of me. (Right, gene? *hint* )

Tomorrow I'm actually supposed to go for the CYA thing. I think I'm not going anymore la. What dear said make sense. I dont want to waste my time on a 10 dollar per 4 hours job. I've seen enough of the airport in the past 1 year and I will need the time if I want to pull my grades even higher. Ohh.. the sacrifices of desiring a 3.4 or above GPA.

And I just spoke to my dad as he was msging me about coming home late. I told daddy he really doesnt have to worry at all about me. Though I didnt have the chance to give him a reason, but i believe I could show him as time comes. And his curfew for me now is 11pm. Improvement from the original 10pm that I dont really keep. =p

Some photos for you.

thats dear with his "burger". its actually paper.

should i get this......

or

this? tell me your opinions!

2008-04-15T12:02:00.003+08:00

MUST WATCH!
i wanted to see who this Mahesh Chavda really was and I found his great, testimony, one that would glorify the Name of the Lord so much.
Check out Mahesh Chavda, the man whose face glows with gold dust.

2008-04-15T00:07:00.004+08:00

Monday is the day!
So i went out with dear today. Haha!
Our initial plan was to go to sentosa island! But in the end we didnt go because of various reasons. Thank God we didnt go too cause it rained!
So instead, we met up with Kahwan, Sam and James for lunch at purple market to eat.
Its been so long since i ate fish and chips! so i ate that today. (:
After that dear and me headed to vivocity to catch a movie.
we watched Definitely, Maybe. The show is not bad. 3 out of 5 popcorns. haha. The male lead is handsome. (: yes, boyishly handsome. maybe its because i was looking at my dear half the time that's why i think the male lead is handsome. hmmm... haha!

after that we left and went down to the airport to send Joel and Uncle Daniel off. both of them are going to Sri Lanka. God bless them. We ate at Popeye before it was time for them to go in. After that we went to T3 to walk around. There was Shu en, Bird, James and Sam. We went in to a bookshop and was stuck in there for very very very long! But its all because we are all avid readers. So thats a good similarity. Hahha. I had always had the intention to start a library at home. I imagined myself having a large spacious living room, with a book shelf behind the sofa set and have it filled with books. Books i have read and read again, books that I buy because of the illustrations, books that I have the intention of reading. Christian books, Romance Novels, fairytales. All of them. To be honest, they are where i get all my information from. Reading is part of life. And i saw this phrase on a book today...

We are always a part of God because He will never be apart from us.

How cool?

So now that I'm home. I'm talking to my dear again.
There's alot of things we are talking about. And I'm glad we are open and honest, and that we trust in each other so much. I guess it all accounts to because we trust most in the Lord and we know that no matter what happens, be it between us or around us, we know that the Lord will not let us fall. Right dear?

I thank God for you and all the smiles you brought, bring and will continue bringing to my life.

2008-04-12T11:33:00.002+08:00

Alright. Its saturday and I just woke up from the longest slumber I could have since the beginning of holidays.

Thats just so good!

But i still have my dark eye circles. dang~

Today is XMS's homecoming cum speech day. I remember I used to be the one setting up the stores at the quadrangle, selling misc stuff and food items. Aww man. I miss those days where I'm part of the action. This brings back memories of Sports events in school as well. And also the annual roadrun. These 3 events are one of the most unforgettable ones. I still remember as Hse Cap during sec 4 I ran around, rallying people to cheer for their housemates. And before that, the selection of the best in my house to put up for house events. ohh man.. those were the days.
I will update you guys once I come home from it.

Ah! I cant wait for Monday.
My first official "date" with my dear! Yes, we haven went on a date yet. I wonder what it will be like, just going out to catch movie, have dinner and so on. Although we've been spending time together, most of it is like, going to church, going to meet people and so on. And if we have time alone, it just those short snippets of an hour or a few hours only. Hmmm... so, monday.

2008-04-09T21:55:00.002+08:00

Sorry I didnt blog alot recently.

Been working alot recently and its killing me. And I'm starting to find my work boring.
The whole day, we just stand in the store front and stare at the door, looking to see if anyone comes in. And my entire week was penetrated with fatigue. Been sleeping late, around 2+ 3 everynight for the pass week and waking up for work as early as 9. So basically it's only about 6 over hours of sleep. Thats why if you see me nowadays, I look like a walking zombie. I'm gonna get my sleep man. Shish..

I'm SERIOUSLY TIRED. thats all i'm feeling now. fatigue..

2008-04-07T00:45:00.002+08:00

THIS IS A MUST WATCH VIDEO!

i dont care. you better watch. or else dont come back to my blog!

2008-04-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

Godtube. check it out.

2008-04-04T23:39:00.003+08:00

ok. its been long since i blogged.
so now i shal blog.

now, since already some people know. i shall just say it. i wont hide.
neither will gene. we are together. i dont see a point in not telling people.
we are actually not hiding but just not saying. if people are observant enough they will notice things.
dont panic people. or will you? haha.
well, main reason we are together is cause there is really no point in waiting.
feelings are there. if we wait summore feelings may change. we may still like each other but the passion and sweetness would be gone aint it. as much as i admit its fast, i would also say we are getting along very well, knowing each other more each day and growing to love each other more each day. (:

as for cynthia herself.
she thinks she've found the one.
i don't see anyone better. (:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today! ORBIT did CP work at 574!
i was grped wth joel ( again!) and amy! (:
so we went around knocking doors and giving bags.
whoa!

2008-04-01T02:05:00.003+08:00

God turned her only flaw into something that makes her close to perfect.
And that's what God has in mind for everyone.

A good plan for all.

and check out this uber cuteness

beyond the horizon.

2008-03-31T20:46:00.003+08:00

i don't know what to say.

there are alot of factors.
what people think.
what we think.
and what we think as individuals.
its not like i don't understand the worries.
its just that i feel its not worth the worry.

i'm very sure of myself right now.
definitely there is the "what if" factor.
but sometimes, if we never try, we never know.
if life is going to be full of what ifs, no one will venture beyond the horizon.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today there is this family of three germans who came to nike.
i think they are germans. the little german girl was really adorable she makes me feel like having a child as soon as i can.
the first thing the girl did when she saw me, was smile! and at that time i rather be a child.
then she took 2 pairs of shoe from the rack ( pumps), took off her shoes and put on those over sized shoes. cat-walked along the shoe display turn around, and gave her mum a thumbs up sign.
she was smiling all that while, while her parents were shopping. her dad and mum are nice people too.
she tried to get hold of a backpack that was the same height as her as well. lol. i gave her a smaller bag and say go! then she ran with it man! absolutely adorable.
then when he hairclip on her hair came off, she pass her hairclip to me. so, i helped her clip it on again la! then she touched her hair with her small tiny hands, and gave me a big wide grin.
haha. lucky couple. lucky me. she made my day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was reading the bible when this caught my eye.

Hebrews 11:40
God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Now the entire verse has speaks only one thing for me.
That God made things to match us. That all creations were made, so that only with our presences will that thing be made perfect.
Like a flower will never be perfect without its fragrance,
like a smile will never be perfect without laughter,
like a hug will never be perfect without love.
You see what i mean?
We are the fragrance to the flowers.
We are the laughter to that smile.
We are the love in that hug.
You get me?
The Lord has us in mind first, before he created any other things.
He had us in mind.

meanwhile, tell me your life story..

2008-03-27T23:50:00.007+08:00

i just missed a phone call that i wanted the most!
ohh man. i'm gonna cry ):
no, i'm not really gonna cry. but its that bad.
and no, its not easy to call back. thats the thing.

worked today was slow and boring!
gosh! Lord, please bless my store with more customers, Daddy please?
and also my blogstore too! thank you Heavenly Daddy!

you know, i just realized my love life is quite eventful and never easy.
but i must admit. they are all rather sweet. (:
first is the 3 year relationship with TS in sec school.
at the beginning of course its sweet. after the honeymoon period, God knows what happened.
i don't want to be reminded.

then there was Mr 1, who wasn't really the one for me. haha.
because of our differences. but i held on till not long ago.
for your info, its not like we were together.
its more like, you like someone but you cant be with that person and you have to give up.
like manually give up. not naturally.
but prayer helped quite a bit and God spoke to me abt this too. so, all is good.
i held on more of because i'm not a fickle person.
and i don't change heart easily.

unless i think i've found the right one, unless i think i've found U!
well, its just the beginning la. But i have a really really good feeling about this. and so does everyone. We shall just wait for time.
even mummy who usually disapproved, said "gt potential la!" when i whispered to her about this guy who plays great guitar and is very sweet and likes to stare into my eyes.
mummy's impression as i told her abt his attributes was:
cynthia: " and he know how to play guitar and drum.."
mummy (continued for me): " and is polite and courteous..."
so, hello there, lets count the seconds together ok?
meanwhile tell me your life story... (:

the flower will bloom;
in His time...

Jesus is like, whoa, POWER.

2008-03-27T00:32:00.004+08:00

Cynthia is officially sick and disturbed.

Aish. I cant sleep well at night, and I wake up feeling more tired then the previous night. Its been like this for quite some time already. Been having pretty bad dreams. And once even felt a demon. Somebody please pray for me? and thank you gene, for always affirming me that God is with me and that I should not fear. Yes, I will call upon the name of the Lord. For Jesus is like whoa, Power.
Thats like the main reason I always feel lethargic the past few days. And I'd wake up in the middle of the night, too afraid to fall back to sleep. Because in my sleep I'm not in control. I cant stop what I don't want to see. ):
Pray for me, help me to feel the strenght I did before.

And i feel my body is getting weaker and weaker everyday. Oh my...

Happiness and Joy.

2008-03-25T11:58:00.003+08:00

So alot of things have been happening these past few days I cant really blog about them all so I shall just blog about the more important ones.

Saturday was Live? !
And the performance was marvelous! It was humourous along with a slight bit of solemnity and very touching.
Honestly speaking the part that touched me most was the part where the people found that Jesus was missing. And I felt fear in my heart too. I fear for a day that Jesus would be missing, and I fear I cant find him. I fear that day cause the evil will then be bold and vicious. But I know that this day will never come because Jesus cant disappear. Yes, he can choose to disappear but he never will.

Sunday
Huiyun and the Engs are baptisted! Praise the Lord!
I'm sorry I cant be there to witness it, this once in a lifetime thing.
I should think its as important as birth.
How I wish to be baptisted too. I want to declare, God is the anchor of my life.

Monday
I sorta slackked at home for the entire day until at night when I went out with cell people. ( I should find a name to call them, calling them church cell is like so distant. Haha) We went to catch Semi-Pro which totally isnt worth the money. It would be a nice movie to watch on a boring saturday evening at home where you dont have to pay. But for a movie that's screened in the theater, i rate it 1.5 over 5.

And I'm missing badminton chalet. ):
I've got work and all. But its ok I guess. I will see them alot in future.

BEGIN: 24 March.

thats much less about birthday.

2008-03-23T22:58:00.003+08:00

Actually today i didnt want to start with my birthday post.
But i dont want to owe it any longer cause if i drag any longer i wont even post it anymore so i better post it now.
No, its not because my birthday is not good. My birthday was the most fabulous one!
Its just that other matters are starting to nag at my little heart.
So presenting...

My birthday post. (:
So the actualy day of my birthday, I went out with my whacky bunch of TP shuttlers.
we met up at around 1+ pm. and went to buy tickets to watch STEP UP 2!
its a uber nice show. haha! den we went to PIZZA HUT to eat. whoa-oh! the food is good. (:
ordered 2 pan pizzas and drumlets to be shared among 4 ppl. the rest ordered indiv stuff.
so we ate and chatted and all that. then, it was time to ge tmy present!
i was allowed to choose! so i chosed a billabong wallet.
actually i didnt even wanted a wallet. it was because there is nothing else i wanted.
so someone suggested that i should level-up and not use my spongebob anymore.
so i bought a wallet lo. haha! after that was movie and then minds cafe!
then after that my plan was to go home already cause thats all i planned for the day.
but they said they wanted to go to Starbucks to sit down and chat so i said ok lor.
and there was a cake! ta-da! (:thank you you lovlies.

then on friday, my cell bought me a cake too!
honestly speaking i didnt expect it cause normally they celebrated birthdays before the actual day. so i was surprised. when the cake came i even ask huiyun the cake is mine ah. she still shake her head. - -" haha. thanks CELL!
and as usual it was after a long long long prayer. haha! my cell is so cute.

yea. thats much less about birthday.

now, abt the matter thats nagging at my heart.
BAH! forget it. im rather tired. another time.

Happines, joy and love should be about God.

2008-03-23T01:24:00.005+08:00

haha. yes yes people. i will blog about my birthday.
SOON.

for now. i just want to take note of this verse.
Ecclesiastes 3:5b
".. a time to embrace and a time to refrain"
It reminds me to wait for God's right time.

All happiness, joy and love should be about God.

BIRTHDAY!

2008-03-18T23:55:00.004+08:00

AH! a pre-birthday post!
so well, i went to work today. nothing much abt that.

i want to blog about last thursday!
went out with the engs and huiyun, bryan, bryan gf, jingfang and mel to celebrate bryan and my birthday. haha. we ate at my favourite pasta mania and once again i had creamy chicken. my absolute favourite there. i got a cross pendant for my present from them! how nice! it was something that i just wanted! haha.
after dinner we headed over to the eng's place to sing karaoke. tsk tsk. no one wants to sing! how come! but nvm. i had fun singing! haha. i think i sang the most songs there!(: so how's my singing??? haha!

now i want to blog about monday!
so on 17 march 2008, i met up with those lovely bitches from school. haha. we ate at hip diners at bugis. the food is good surprisingly. really, its pretty awesome. there's cheese fondue!!! haha. and i was presented my presents! hahha! those naughty girls bought me boy-shorts! and photoframe! and fragrance! helo! me no-ot smelly! haha! the fragrance is from body shop and its really cool. i'm suppose to spray 2 together to blend my very own perfume! how amusing! haha.
then we couldn't decide on where we want to go so we walked to Miss Clarity's cafe and sat for desserts. haha. and a we were chatting, esther left her seat. i asked the rest, "where is esther?" they say " oh she went to answer her fone." and i believed. but ohmigosh, they bought a slice of cake for me! oreo cheesecake! lovely! after that we went home.

and i want to blog about today.
no, its tonight. haha.
daddy and mummy bought me a cake!
it wasnt meant to be a surprise. but i didnt take time to look at what they were holding when they were coming in so i didnt know i had a cake! yum! durian.
so they sang me a birthday song! and i was allowed 1 wish and i blew the candles.
now i'm officially 18. (:

a special song was sang to me.
s special song was sang to me and for me to keep.
its magical enough. its like a fairytale!
then, when the clock strikes twelve, the magic didnt disappear.
it doesnt seem to end. these surprises.
tonight, i was suppose to listen to "Friend of God" but instead Secret played.
thank you!
you dont like sweets but you seem to be one.
(:

p.s: there's something at your gate.

Noah and Marcus's farts. (:

2008-03-16T23:48:00.003+08:00

so i had cell bonding yesterday!
it was really fun.
the boys are like a bunch of lovable monkeys that i simply cannot NOT love them.
so who's there:
barnie, marcus, noah, will, dan, anwei, ziyang, david, jeremiah, darren, bryan, my brother victor, and 2 more i cant really rmb ): i'm sorry.
so we had dinner den proceeded back to church to have a good chat about God.
i must say, i was learning along with the boys as kahwan told us about God and his archangels and about heaven and all. I didnt know these things. no one told me before.
i'm glad the boys asked. and i'm glad kahwan told them abt it. i'm glad i learnt! i tell u, i sat there, listening, fascinated like a child.
i didnt know guardian angels we had 2, and i didnt know they are at least 8 foot tall!
i didnt know that satan was previously called lucifer and he was one of the 3 archangels.
i didnt know the 2 other arch angels are michael, archangel of war, and there is one more, the Messenger (whom eugene later informed me is called Gabriel)
i didnt know angels didnt have free wills and they are all under the command of God.
i didnt know as humans and sons and daughters of God we are a higher rank than these angels.
there is so much i dont know until yesterday.
thanks kahwan! (:
after that we had games! the boys played waterbombs! i tell you it was the funniest sight! we splitted them into 2 grps, set them a compund and let them dumo at each other. lol. you, my friends, should have heard their warcry ("WE ARE SPARTA!!") and their oh-so-not-appealing.. erm.. poses. HAHA! me and kahwan laughed so hard! den, it was our turn to bomb them! haha!
after that they went to wash up and finally we walked over to mcdonalds at heartland mall for supper. den me and my bro went home.
my brother enjoyed himself even though he is not a christian and he only knew them for that 8 hours.
and i enjoyed myself even more. (:
( HIGHLIGHTS: the farts of noah and marcus! haha!)

today is the usual. work and work and work.
during break irritating qoo asking me to accompany him to shop. so i went around orchard road with him in slippers and my uniform. - -" and we went to the most high class of all shops! imagine, polo ralph lauren, burberry and what not. these shops i have yet to step into when i'm dressed my nicest. and i stpped into them when i'm in my shabbiest. i think God is trying to tell me something. haha.

no work tmr. a day of rest. i dont know why work gets me tired so easily.
and oh! i got my 2nd letter of compliment today!
Thank God! (:

define trouble.

2008-03-14T23:40:00.003+08:00

so although absences makes me forget.
sudden appearances stir feelings too.
now i'm confused.

ahh. matters of the heart are so complicated.
no, i think i've decided this is not for me.
thou shall not meddle into this affair.
i shall remain single and be dutiful in serving God till He thinks the time is right for me.
thou shall not think about this anymore.
1 less trouble.

but nothing ever happens...

2008-03-12T01:26:00.003+08:00

well...
if i were to say what i want to say...
these are the things that others may say.
1. I thought she used to like him alot?
2. So fast change ah..
3. She's giving up already?
4. She's just like the rest... ( what i think he will say if he knows.)

but as the song goes...
I'm hanging around
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder
( Fool's Garden - Lemon Tree)

So, who cares. i'll follow my heart.

God is my co-pilot

2008-03-09T23:38:00.003+08:00

BLOGGIN'!

so yesterday i went for youth. the boys are quite naughty, as usual. but they are adorable in their own way. haha. we played some games den we had discussion. and we are having cell bonding next week! i cant wait. (:

so after that i met up with the engs, huiyun mel and joel to celebrate joel's big two-O!
it was the first time i went to the HARD ROCK CAFE! the place is rather cool. ok, its really cool! haha. the atmosphere is one tht i've never experienced before. but though its novelty to me, it will never be my choice place to dine at or like chill at. but there's this thing at their entrance that caught our attention. the car on top of the door reads, " God is my co-pilot". i think thats really cool! however, i would think " Jesus take the wheel" sound better. haha. Jesus take the wheel is a song by carrie underwood. check it out. (:
so after that i head home. and i couldn't sleep till about 3 in the morning.

so this morning i woke up uber early ( with reference to the time i went to sleep.) and went for service. i was late like before, and missed abit of worship. but worship is like my favourite part! haha. nvm. anyway. today's service was good and i cant help but to agree with elder daniel about us having false securities. the one false security that i feel we all have is this thing that we think we know best. this false security that learning and getting information means we get wiser. well, in a sense it is. but have u ever wondered? things we don't know are what makes us vulnerable. and God knows all things. so shouldnt we trust in God more? i'm proud to say i keep God in mind rather often. but i believe there is more. so, Lord, gimme gimme gimme, gimme more~!

work after service. gosh. i am beat. stacy and guozhi dropped to visit. SO SWEET OF YOU GUYS! and the other day jenna dropped by too! gosh, i love you people man. (:
so now i am very tired. i wanna sleep.

PS: when one leaves, another comes along. one characteristic of matter, matter of the heart.
aww man, what should i do?!

HUGO womens. (:

2008-03-08T12:23:00.004+08:00

yes, im'ma blog!
so lets start from yesterday.
i dont know whats wrong with me. these few days icant seem to get up. even after sleeping for like 10-11 hours. i CANT GET UP. yep. its a frustrated shout. really, i dont know what to do.
i will force myself out of bed, my eyes still in a line and when i open them, they hurt!
so point it, i wake up everyday at around 11 or 12. yesterday too.
so after spending sometime lazing around in front of my com staring at nothing since its down and eugene is coming later on in the day to fix it, i got up to prepare to hit the gym.
i am meeting CJ for gyming! first time. when i saw her i swear i thought she turned carnivorous since our holidays start. CJ, you look rounder. seriously. but nevermind that.
so i hit the threadmill and the bike. worked out for about 40 minutes on those 2 before going to the weights.
yea. i really need to train up those muscles or else when training starts, i can barely get the shuttle across. i need to get my shuttles across. so. more trainings.
after gym i headed over to hougang mall to get myself..
books from the library. (its the holidays, books are a must)
and a new iron-on. (it cost me a freaking six b
uck and i know its ridiculous. dont know why i still bought it)
and i bought some marshmellows to eat. marshmellows are like my favourite candies. along with gummy bears. gosh. get me those from candyempire and i am a happy girl for..erh.. 3 days.
so i took the bus home and showered and all.
then here comes eugene. the person who would be hero if he manages to fix my com!
and he did! half of the problem was solved. half. so eugene is a half hero.
so now i can BLOG FROM MY LAPTOP! yay! but msn is still down. ):
he is gonna bring it back and fix it for me later on so *cross fingers*
so we ate and left for cell together. cell's good! i told you i love those church people.
they are the very fun and never fails to make me laugh!
i love to mix with them. (:

so i have youth later on.
and then we are going out to celebrate joel's birthday.
blog abt 'em maybe, say tmr?

oh did i tell you!
daddy came back. and he brought with him HUGO womens!
THANKYOU DADDY! u are so loved!

my favourite peachy drink...

2008-03-06T23:02:00.003+08:00

LET ME TELL U!
there was this french customer who came down today to get a pair of soccer boots.
sizzlin' hot i tell you.
black hair, dark eyes and oh so HA-OT!
pity he's just a customer. man, if he comes back again, i'll shove everyone outta my way to serve him.
LOL! so, a bientot, monsieur! (:

aww man. only 2 days of work and i am quite tired.
not tired as in sick and irritated. really, exhausted.
now i am fantasizing of sitting in the coffee connoiseur and drinking my favourite peachy drink with my favourite person.
who might that be?

WHAM! BHAM! and we are stuck.

2008-03-04T18:48:00.003+08:00

so yesterday i went down to xinmin to train.
then after that head over to marina to meet a few shuttlers to get the presents for another few shuttlers.
hhaha. i think its costly top be a TP shuttler. but birthdays are once in a year.
and once in a year only do you get gifts.
so they came over to my place for movie marathon. we watched like 3 movies into the night.
till about 4 in the morning.
then after that some of them slept while the remaining went to play cards.
the thing about this team is, we never run out of things to do or play.
and i am surprised we bond so quickly. like, in a year or less, the whole team is like TOGETHER.
haha. WHAM! BHAM! and we are stuck.
i like that. (:

and the other thing that i wanted to blog about.
oh well. i am sick and tired of it myself.
so i aint gonna blog about it.

thats all. work tomorrow. and the following day.

Sunday a good day.

2008-03-02T22:36:00.007+08:00

so sunday is a good day.
well maybe.

yesterday went to church for youth.
my boys are okae. getting more mischevious, but should be able to handle them.
den had dinner with the rest of the youth leaders. first time i ate with them.
'twas good la.(:

today, service was good.
den i went to work.

- actually i am not really in the mood to blog right now. but nevertheless...-

yea work was "funner".
today there's An, Lolo, Don, Hafiz and Q.
its rather monotonous la, working in cineleisure.
but its quite fun so i dont mind. (:

alot of stuff in my mind right now.
i've been thinking.
i've always been thinking.
sometimes it gets me so sick and tired i feel like .

on to BAD POINT #3 : NO INTEREST, NO SINCERITY. HOT & COLD.
wth. sometimes he comes and talks to me. sometimes he's apparently is too busy with something else to even bother to reply. it used to hurt alot. i remember. its real, like the sermon taught today. the hurt is real. cant deny it. but i've learnt to grab the cream, apply it on the wound so it heals. gradually. it hurts no more. just a bit of disappointment.

well oh well. what can i say. this love isn't for me anyway.
so.. bah! gone gone gone gone. time to free up some RAM in my heart.

ps: hey there! you intrigued me. (:

feelings.

2008-03-01T11:27:00.005+08:00

its saturday today.
i'm positively sick, coughing out thick slimey green phelgm all the time.
and i have this extremely sexy voice, its so deep. haha.
and it was raining just a while ago. its the saturday morning rain.
we dont see this kinda rain often. this kinda rain is the best.
it rains before u wake up. and when you finally wake up, the weather is so cooling.
right now, sitting in my study, i can feel the breeze blowing through my house. marvelous.

work yestday was ok. learnt somemore new things.
sold shoes again. i hear "chi-ching!" hahhaha.
know what? my work place is like full of guys. - -"
well. if we consider their sexual orientation, there is only 2 girls which includes me.
so basically other then that, i am working with people who looks at girls. haha.
if my good friends in poly are like that, and my colleagues are like that.
oh no. i dont want to be like that.

hmmm. was talking to mong yesterday about stuff. the same and only stuff that is bothering me.
if not for it i would be an absolutely carefree and cheerful girl.
i want to be an absolutely carefree and cheerful girl.
cheerful, yes i am.
carefree, no. i have tied myself down with this uncertainty.
note: i have tied myself down. yea. i know its all me.
its all in my mind.

feelings that is not suppose to be there, is no good feeling at all.

nike by b.i.r.d

2008-02-28T21:15:00.003+08:00

back from work!

first day at work at NIKE was fun! haha.
my colleagues thus far are the following: An, Lolo, Farhana, Johnson and Donovan.
they are all dddaaammnnnnn nice people. (:
i am one lucky girl. but see la. tmr i will meet my store manager already.
wish me luck. haha.
ps: i made my first sales today toO! 2 pairs of shoe. woohoo.

i miss you i miss you i miss you.
something that i wanna tell you.
i miss you.

CJ going 2,2,2

2008-02-27T21:48:00.006+08:00

man,
i feel sick right after the paper. or should i say during the paper.
actually i was already having slight flu a day ago.
today just confirms it.
i think i am getting weaker and weaker. everytime i sleep late or have not enough sleep,
i fall sick for a week or two. haii. i need someone to take care of me...

yea and its the beginning of holidays. as previously said.
i want to spend time with some of the most precious people in my life.
yet, the first thing i thought of when the holiday thought set in, is how i wont be able to see him for 7 weeks. sigh.
well. its good and its bad. we shall see ba.
i will miss him though, this i wont deny.
but well....

after papers today.
LRC went out to play!
we were at mindscafe. haha. i love that game that we played!
the one called jurassic jumble! its so fun.
and everyone was so exicited during the first round. and there was CJ going " 2, 2, 2" as if she's speaking to herself.
she made calynn laugh till like mad girl like that.
i cant believe myself. i just love those girls. they cheer me up all the time.
i mean it girls, I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
and i was sorry i was abit mean at chomp chomp about you-girls-know who.
yea. now im feeling guilty.
ok. i forgive that person. and i forgive myself.
no more judging ok, cynthia!
next stop for LRC, liquid kitchen. and i cant wait. (:

post photos another time.

yes, i wanna hear your voice everyday.

adios.

2008-02-27T00:25:00.004+08:00

OK. i must be stupid and dumb to be blogging at this hour.
its 0025hours. and i have not completed my studying for my marketing tomorrow.
I am on the brink of my death.

- ok. i just got scared to hell since its so late and my phone just rang like there's no tomorrow. its CJ. damnn -

ok. I am on the brink of my death. as mentioned early.
i still have approximately 6-7 chapters that i have NOT TOUCHED YET. haha.
only God can save me.

and i am going to print my past year papers now...

- another scare from calynn poh. what's wrong with these girls. they are bend on scaring me halfway to hell. -

maybe i should blame that on my handphone ringtone la huh. haha.
alright. im going back to study. adios amigos.

2008-02-25T22:40:00.003+08:00

POST 2 for 25 Feb...

What's happening Lord?
This few days, i have been hit with some news. Health news. Bad news.
First, Joel's dad was brought home to be with the Lord.
Second, my sis's goodfriend has been diagnosed with bone cancer.

HUH. yea. big huh.
and its not that i just realise, but life is so fragile.
although i dont know joel's dad, nor do i know this guy friend of my sis.
but i feel for them. i feel for joel, i feel for kim wee, my sis's friend.
and i feel for their families. cause i have a family whom i love too.
Right here i want to tell all of you. Cherish, really, cherish what time you have with everyone you love.
You dont know what might happen next.

And for friends with brokened families. Be strong. its brokened but its not gone.
life ain't about what you dont have but what you have.
if not for the things you have, how would you know what you do not have?
i have friends, because of their family background, who think lowly of themselves.
they think they cant be compared to others. they wallow in self pity and just make themselves look pitiful.
i have friends, because of their family background, who still stand tall and strong despite what they lack. parental love, what not. they know they are important to someone, somewhere.

never forget. you are never alone, for the Lord's with you.

now take a look at kim wee's blog.
he has bone cancer mind you. he is only 18. same age as me.
he's one cheerful boy. cheers to you kim wee! even if i dont know you.
you are great with all that courage!

2008-02-25T14:15:00.007+08:00

POST 1 for 25 feb...

ok. so maybe he aint that bad and bad point #2 is just me being petty.

OB today is kinda screwed.
I may not get my A afterall. shats.
i just brushed shoulders with it.

Marketing. I hope i can do well.
i cant do badly for this exam.
i must pull up my GPA somehow.
damn.

i want my holidays NOW.
NOW NOW NOW. I DEMAND. but haii. still got paper la.
i want to use my holidays, to catch up with the following people:
MY SEC SCH CLIQUE and KOR!-i miss hanging out with them and just enjoying each others company. feel like i missed out a big part of all their lives. So i wana catch them all back!
GOD
i've been re-reading genesis and i learnt alot more stuff. i wanna read more and more and more of the bible. and know more and more and more of God.
MY FAMILY
i wanna spend alot of time with my grandma. its sad that one day i was at home, she kept asking me to eat my lunch. i kept saying "later". afterawhile, went upstairs to prepare to go out. den i ask her " chi le ma?" she say, " deng ni, wo bu yao yi ge ren chi." which means, waiting for you, i dont want to eat alone. thats when my heart piang. so i said. OK. lets eat. and i will make the effort to eat at home more now. no more outside food for cynthia. and actually i quite like homecooked food. (:
and i realise daddy's been making the effort to know more about us children. THANKS DAD. i know you wanna know. i duno how to describe my feelings. its just warm and cold at the same time. cause i think i'm closer to mummy. BUT daddy, i love you too!
i know its been hard that you have to go overseas to work and all and cant spend time with us. and i'm sorry us kids are always going out with our friends when you are around and not spending some time together. i will try. try as much as i can to be at home now!
MY CHURCH FRIENDS AND HOME CELL
yes. its time to catch up too! i want to get to know them better. espacially my cell people. they are so fun! but i seldom spend time with them and thus...
but well. things are gonna change!

oh no. i wanna catch up with so many people. but there is only 1 me. nvm. i'd try. (:

YEPP. thats about it. for now.
and i cant wait for thursday when i start work. (:

Collide - Howie Day
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

2008-02-24T23:55:00.003+08:00

ALRIGHT.
Im FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW.
So I'm going to post about BAD POINT #2.

you are just another insensitive guy like all the other guys out there.
and unless you didnt realise, you just made me feel downright stupid. and i dont like it.
why, why are u so damn rude and insensitive?
hello i know what your words meant.
and i was just saying I have more important things to do.
You dont have to bluntly tell me what you mean topping the with the ultimate" so, yea..."
I will NOT tolerate rudeness and insults that is hurled straight at my face.
WTH.

oh mann. when things like this happen and they come from him. i just feel like i am gonna burst into tears. he makes me feel like a total failure.
So thats bad point #2 for me. i should never be made to feel this way.

and my OB is so screwed.